The IRS Audit

The Internal Revenue Service decides to audit Ralph, and summons him
to an appointment with the toughest auditor in the office. The IRS
auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and
no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Ralph. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”

Ralph says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “No way! It’s a bet.”

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor’s jaw drops.

Ralph says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Ralph isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Ralph’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Ralph asks. “I’ll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into
that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully
and decides there’s no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees
again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
loss into a huge win. But Ralph’s attorney moans and puts his head in
his hands.

“Are you OK?” the auditor asks. “Not really,” says the attorney.
“This morning, when Ralph told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he
bet me $20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk —
and that you’d be happy about it!”

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The Moral of the Story

One day at the end of class, little Johnny’s teacher gives the
students homework: think of a story and then tell the moral of that
story.

The next day Johnny tells his story:

“My dad fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy
territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a
machine gun, and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer.

“Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese
soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun. But he ran out of bullets, so
he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. But the blade on his
machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.”

The teacher, stunned with shock at the story, asks Johnny what could possibly be the moral to his story.

Johnny replies, “Don’t mess with my dad when he’s been drinking.”

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 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

In today’s world, many resort to abusing drugs and alcohol, why are so many becoming addicted and not only destroying their lives but the lives of others around them as well?

The Ultimate Response to a Dear John Letter

 

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a “Dear John” letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.

In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without).

He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note:
“I don’t remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back.”
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 The author has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature, landscapes and studying native cultures. Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt, the Canary Islands, much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hardcover and Ebooks, and contact information: please check his website, www.journeysthrulife.com.

Your comments appreciated

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I have found over the years that there is no such thing as reality, it is only how we perceive it. Each of us may have a different view of it because of our different beliefs and experiences. Two individuals can be sitting side by side, looking at the same event and “see” two entirely different outcomes based on their individual perceptions

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The Armless Bell Ringer

The Armless Bellringers

There was a monastery in France at the edge of a cliff
overlooking a beautiful valley, and because its bells could be heard
over such a wide area, it developed a reputation for attracting only the
finest bellringers in the country.

There was always a bit of dread when a bellringer passed on or
retired, and one year, when they spread the word of their need for a new
master, there was a dearth of qualified candidates. They would have
been good enough for any other monastery, but not this one. Better to
have silent bells than anything less than the best.

As they were despairing at the quality of candidates, a man with no
arms paid a visit to apply for the position. The monks were amazed and
protested that this was no time for joking. But the man insisted, said
he was from a family of famous bellringers, and he would show them what
he could do. He drew back, lowered his head, and charged full speed at
the bell. The monks were horrified, but could not stop him. And the
sound — oh my, you should have been there! It was indeed a sound worthy
of that monastery. It rang thruout the valley, and people everywhere
stopped in their tracks and nodded to each other that at last a worthy
bellringer had been found.

But alas, it was not to be. For the impact so stunned the poor
armless man that he stumbled dizzily and fell over the cliff. The head
monk ran down the steps to where a crowd had gathered, and a policeman
spoke to him. “Do you know this man?” The monk sighed, “No, but his face
rings a bell.”

The search continued. One day not long after, another armless man
showed up and presented himself as the previous man’s brother. He was
there to uphold the family honor, and would show them what a good
bellringer could do. The monks protested, but too late — he also drew
back and charged full speed into the bell. And once again, the most
beautiful sound pealed out over the valley, such that even the birds
circled around to see what was happening. And once again, he was so
stunned that he too fell over the cliff in a daze.

Once again the head monk scrambled down the stairs to meet the crowd
and a policeman. Again he was asked if he knew the deceased. “No, but
he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

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Court Transcripts

More Real Court Transcripts

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

—–

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

—–

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

—–

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

—–

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

—–

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

—–

JUDGE: “The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant, sir?”

DEFENDANT: “No, sir, I’m the guy who stole the chickens.”

—–

Last, Responses to Interrogatories answered by the wife in divorce case:

52. Do you have a proposal to settle this case amicably?

ANSWER: Yes.

53. Assuming your answer to the preceding interrogatory is in the affirmative, please state such a proposal.

ANSWER: Use a silver bullet or a wooden stake as is appropriate in these cases.

You will hear with these.

 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

The wisdom of our ancestors

There is an extreme shortage of common sense in today’s world,
I often think back to what my parents and grandparents believed and said, at the time I thought they were totally out of their mind and ignored it. I now wish I would have listened and followed their advice more often.
It is in this light I have decided to publish some of my random thoughts based on the views of our ancestors.

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Tips for a Happy Marriage

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little
beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I
go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the
kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread
maker. Then she said “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit
down!” So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was
water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me “In the
Lake.”

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said “No, jump in!”

10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

13. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. She told me never to interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked “What’s on the TV?” And I said “Dust!”

Urban Legends

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 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

The wisdom of our ancestors

There is an extreme shortage of common sense in today’s world,
I often think back to what my parents and grandparents believed and said, at the time I thought they were totally out of their mind and ignored it. I now wish I would have listened and followed their advice more often.
It is in this light I have decided to publish some of my random thoughts based on the views of our ancestors.

High Stakes Poker

Six retired Floridians play high stakes poker in the condo clubhouse.

A member of the group, Meiers, loses $5,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five finish playing the hand standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, “So, who’s gonna’ tell his wife?”

They cut the cards, and Goldberg “wins” the duty. They tell him to be
discreet, be gentle, not to make a bad situation any worse.

“Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name,” he says. “Leave it to me.”

Goldberg goes over to the Meiers’ apartment and knocks on the door. Mrs. Meiers answers and asks what he wants.

Goldberg declares, “Your husband just lost $5,000 playing poker, and is afraid to come home.”

“Tell him to drop dead!” says the wife.

“Will do,” he says.

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Confessions of a Doctor

Confessions from Your Doctor

A man comes into the ER and yells, “My wife’s going to have her baby
in the cab!” I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed
that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
–Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I
instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” replied the patient.
–Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he
had died of a “massive internal fart.”
–Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity
test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, “Cover
your right eye with your hand.” He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
“Left.” Again, a flawless read. “Now both,” I requested. There was
silence. He couldn’t even read the large letter on the top line. I
turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked: he was
standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to
finish the exam.
–Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, “How
long have you been bedridden?” After a look of complete confusion she
answered “Why, not for about twenty years — when my husband was alive.”
–Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his general practitioner, that he was
having trouble with one of his medications. “Which one?” I asked. “The
patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m
running out of places to put it!” I had him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty
patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old
patch before applying a new one.
–Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

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Drunk in Saudi Araba

Drunk in Saudi Arabia

An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia,
sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police
rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being
caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers,
they were able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life
imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the
day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided
they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced:
“It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each
of you one wish before your whipping.

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then
said: “Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow
only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment
was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with
pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he
said smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.” But even two pillows
could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the
Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything,
the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from a most beautiful part
of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For
this, you may have two wishes!”

“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,” the Englishman
replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you
give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”

“Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are
also very brave,” the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. “If
100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish,
what is it to be?” the Sheikh asked.

The Englishman smiled and said, “Tie the Frenchman to my back.”

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A new Marine’s First Letter Home

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are too.

The Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 5:00 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell brother Walt and brother Elmer that all you do in the Marines before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad — there’s warm water.

A Marine Corps breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee.
Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

As Marines we’re expected to go on “route” marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some.

The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bullseye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move. And it ain’t shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ol’ bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Tammy Gail

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 The author has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature, landscapes and studying native cultures. Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt, the Canary Islands, much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hardcover and Ebooks, and contact information: please check his website, www.journeysthrulife.com.

Your comments appreciated

 

Improve your health,increase your wealth

I have found over the years that there is no such thing as reality, it is only how we perceive it. Each of us may have a different view of it because of our different beliefs and experiences. Two individuals can be sitting side by side, looking at the same event and “see” two entirely different outcomes based on their individual perceptions

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