New Years Resolutions

New Year’s Resolutions

With the close of a year, many “resolve” to improve on their
outlook for the new year, but many are impossible dreams and are left
unrealized.

Here are some more realistic New Year’s Resolutions:

1. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.

4. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

5. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as rewarding .

6. I am at one with my duality.

7. A scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

8. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

9. I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than “I told you so!”

10. I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I will spend it worrying about the future.

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Help Wanted

Help Wanted

While strolling past a pet shop, a cat notices a sign in the window: Help Wanted. Knowing himself to be no ordinary feline, he saunters into the shop and calls out “Hello! I’d like to apply for the job.”

The owner of the pet shop is very amused at the idea of a talking
cat, and she wants to hear more, so she plays along, saying “Oh, I’m
sorry, but this is a clerical job. We need someone who can type and
file.”

The cat hastens over to the office typewriter and, quick as a wink,
he pounds out something about a quick brown fox and a lazy dog until he
has filled a page. He grabs a stack of papers , alphabetizes them by
subject matter, and puts them away in the file cabinet in less time than
one would expect of a critter who lacks opposable thumbs.

The owner is charmed, but figures she can’t possibly hire a cat, so
she thinks of another excuse. “You type very nicely, and your filing is
flawless, but this job demands computer literacy.”

The cat immediately takes his place in front of the computer and,
mouse in paw, cruises the Web, gathering useful information about
increasing the profitability of pet shops.

The owner is stunned. She has got to think of a tactful way to tell this cat that she isn’t going to give him a job.

“Well, you’re an amazing cat indeed. You type, you file, and you’re a
computer whiz. But we really, really must have someone who is
bilingual.”

The cat stares imploringly into the owner’s eyes and says “Woof!

Now you can follow me on Kindle.

 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

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Safety Tips

The Psychiatric Hotline

The Psychiatric Hotline

Due to a huge upswing in call volume, the Psychiatric Hotline has
had to get an automated phone menu system to route the incoming calls
to the correct department.

For our clients’ convenience, the text of the greeting is copied here.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press — no one will answer.

Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Hotline.

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The Magic Wand

The Magic Wand

Fred had been divorced twice after his wives cheated on him, so
he decided the only way to get a faithful wife was to marry someone who
knew nothing of sex. And he meant nothing! He moved to the mountains and found himself a simple, innocent girl, and married her.

On their wedding night, he told her about his “magic wand”, and
how no one else in the entire world had one. Sure enough, she was
enraptured with the “magic” feelings it brought her, and she and Fred
were very happy.

But Fred needed to make a living, and he finally had to go out of
town on a business trip. But his innocent wife knew only he had a “magic
wand”, so he left feeling safe.

Yet when he got home, he could tell there was something different about his wife, and she was ready to confront him.

“You told me you were the only man in the world with a magic wand,” she said.

“Yes…” he started to answer.

“But I found out that Jerry has a magic wand too!” she said, clearly upset.

“Well yeah,” he stammered. “Jerry is my best friend, and I had two magic wands, so I thought I should give him one of them.”

With that, she burst in to tears.

“What’s wrong?” Fred asked, perplexed.

“Well why,” she said through her sobs, “did you have to give him the good one?!”

 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

 

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The wisdom of our ancestors

The wisdom of our ancestors