Pirate’s Misfortunes

 A pirate was talking to a “land-lubber” in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg,a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape.He asked the pirate, “How did you lose your leg?”

The pirate responded, “I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica !” His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, “What about you hand. Did you lose it at the same time?”

“No,” answered the pirate. “I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys .” Finally, the land-lubber asked, “I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?”

The pirate answered, “I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye.” The land-lubber asked: “How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?”

The pirate snapped, “It was the day after I got me hook!”

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 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

Make money doing what you love

The informative Ebook describes alternative methods of making money ,often a full time income in photography even if you have no desire to shoot wedding photography. this book gives examples and websites where you can use your photos to supply you with an income, not only to enable you to buy new equipment, but a living income as well.

 

Obama, McCain and Hillary All Die And Go To Heaven

John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama all die and go to heaven.God looks down from his throne and asks McCain , “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?”

McCain takes a breath and then replies, “Well, I think so because I was agreat leader and tried to follow the words in your great book .” God looks down and then says, “You can sit to my left side.”

So, McCain takes his seat and then God asks the same question to Hillary, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?” Hillary thinks for a second and then replies, “I think so because I have been fighting for the rights of so many people for so long.” God again looks down and this time says, “You can sit to my right side.”

Finally God turns to Barack Obama and asks, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?”

Obama smiled and replied, “I think you’re in my seat

A Redneck on the Computer

How to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer:

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is “Bubba”.
4. There’s a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There’s a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged. AND the number 1 way to tell if a
Redneck has been working on a computer is…

1. The mouse is referred to as a “critter”.

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The World’s Shortest Books

25. “My Plan To Find The Real Killers” by O.J. Simpson
24. “To All The Men I’ve Loved Before” by Ellen DeGeneres
23. “The Book of Virtues ” by Bill Clinton
22. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
21. Human Rights Advances in China
20. “Things I Wouldn’t Do for Money ” by Dennis Rodman
19. Al Gore: The Wild Years
18. Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean
17. America’s Most Popular Lawyers
16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
15. Detroit – A Travel Guide
14. Different Ways to Spell “Bob”
13. Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy UNIX
11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
10. Everything Men Know About Women

9. Everything Women Know About Men
8. French Hospitality
7. George Foreman’s Big Book of Baby Names
6. “How to Sustain a Musical Career” by Art Garfunkel
5. Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette
4. Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. Staple Your Way to Success
2. The Amish Phone Directory
1. The Engineer’s Guide to Fashion

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Pray for Leroy

It was Sunday morning, and the preacher was very satisfied with
the good turnout. He was especially pleased to see Leroy sitting in the
front row. Leroy hadn’t been to services in several years.

After his usual lengthy sermon, the preacher made his usual
offer: “Anyone with ‘special needs’ who wants to be prayed over, please
come forward to the front by the altar.”

And Leroy leapt up to be first in line!

“Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?” the preacher
asked.

Leroy replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my
hearing.”

The preacher certainly had experience with that! He put one finger of
one hand in Leroy’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy’s head,
and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a “blue streak” for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in
with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and
asked, “Leroy, how is your hearing now?”

“I don’t know, preacher,” Leroy answered. “My public defender sez it
ain’t ’til next week.”

A Big Ball of Fire

Janet Reid was driving her daughter westward after the Malibu fires when the smoke in the sky made everything look surreal.

“Ooh, Wendy, look at the sun,” she told her daughter. “It looks like a big ball of fire.”

The 3-year-old preschooler replied: “It is a big ball of fire.”

— from Los Angeles Times , Jan 13, 1997

Gary’s EBooks

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The Same Drunk at the Same Bar

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and
staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks
the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that
it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be
served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs
down from the bar stool, and staggers out the front door. A few minutes
later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles
up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and –
still politely if not more firmly – refuses service to the man and again
offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment
angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while
grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of
the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and
belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically
reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then
tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish
cries, “Man! How many bars do you work at?”

 

Drinking Beer: The Buffalo Theory

The “Buffalo Theory” of Drinking Beer..

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know , kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest braincells first.

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker braincells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that’s why beer is so GOOD for you!

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Southern Comments

Exclamations:
“Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!”

“Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.”

Threats:

“I’ll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle.”

“This’ll jar your preserves.”

“Don’t you be makin’ me open a can o’ whoop-ass on ya!”

Good Things/Compliments:

“Cute as a sack full of puppies.”

“If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.”

“Gooder than grits.”

The Weather:

“It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.”

“It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch.”

Wintry roads are said to be “slicker than otter snot.”

Descriptions:

A bothersome person is “like a booger that you can’t thump off.”

When something is bad then you say, “that ain’t no count.”

If something is hard to do, it’s “like trying to herd cats.”

“He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin.”

A hectic schedule keeps you “Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.”

Insults:

“She’s uglier than homemade soap.”

“Your momma’s so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said ‘To be continued.'”

“He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.”

“Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits.”

“The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead”

Any insulting statement is always followed by “bless his/her heart.”

Example: “She’s dumber than a door knob, bless her heart.”

“Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!”

 

 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

The wisdom of our ancestors

There is an extreme shortage of common sense in today’s world,
I often think back to what my parents and grandparents believed and said, at the time I thought they were totally out of their mind and ignored it. I now wish I would have listened and followed their advice more often.
It is in this light I have decided to publish some of my random thoughts based on the views of our ancestors

 

The Speeding Ticket

A man in his 40s bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate
at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind
him.

“There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and sped up
even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him, “What the heck am
I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it
and the car. “It’s been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and it’s
Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give
me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a
cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

Gary is a  writer and photographer living in Sarasota, Florida. He maintains a website featuring some of his travel photos and markets a line of products featuring many of his photos.

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