Bill Gates Vs. General Motors

Bill Gates vs General
Motors

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill
Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up
with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the
gallon.”


In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press
release
stating: ” If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all
be driving cars with the following characteristics:

For no reason whatsoever, the car would crash twice a day.
*
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to
buy
a new car.
*
Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and
you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
*
Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to start, in which case you would have
to reinstall the engine.
*
Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
“Car95″ or CarNT”. But then you would have to buy more
seats.
*
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable,
five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but you would only run
on five percent of the roads.
*
The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would be
replaced by a single “general car default” warning light.
*
New seats would force everyone to have to have the same size
butt.
*
The airbag system would say, “Are you sure?” before
deploying.
*
Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio
antenna.
*
GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of
Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither
need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would
immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50% or more.
Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice
Department.
*
Every time GM introduced a new model, car drivers would have to
learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would
operate in the same manner as the old car.
*
You would press the “Start” button to shut off the
engine.

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Kids and Religion

Kids and Religion

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday
afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl
coming from the other direction.

“Hello,” said the little boy.

“Hi,” replied the little girl.

“Where are you going?” asked the little boy.

“I’ve been to church this morning and I’m on my way home,” answered the little girl.

“Me too,” replied the little boy. “I’m also on my way home from church.”

“Which church do you go to?” asked the little boy.

“I go to the Baptist church back down the road,” replied the little girl. “What about you?”

“I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill,” replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they’d walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially
flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the
other side without getting wet.

“If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom’s going to skin me alive,” said the little girl.

“My Mom’ll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet,” replied the little boy.

“I tell you what I think I’ll do,” said the little girl. “I’m gonna
pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.”

“That’s a good idea,” replied the little boy. “I’m going to do the same thing with my suit.”

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.

They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before
putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked, “You
know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really
is between a Baptist and a Catholic.”

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The Italian Confession

 

 

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy ,
went to
the local church for confession.  When the priest slid open the
panel in the confessional, the man said:

“Father, during World War II, a
beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and
asked me to hide her from the
Nazis.  So I hid her in my
attic.”

The priest replied: “That was a wonderful thing you did, and you
have no
need to confess that.”

“There is more to tell, Father.
She started to repay me with sexual
favours.  This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays.”

The priest said, “That
was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you
placed the two of you in
great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to
the weakness of the flesh.  However, if
you are truly sorry for your
actions, you are indeed forgiven.”

“Thank you, Father.  That’s a
great load off my mind.  I do have one more
question.”

“And what
is that?” asked the priest.

“Should I tell her the war is
over?”

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Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

reality

I have found over the years that there is no such thing as reality, it is only how we perceive it. Each of us may have a different view of it because of our different beliefs and experiences. Two individuals can be sitting side by side, looking at the same event and “see” two entirely different outcomes based on their individual perceptions.

The Barber Shop

The Barbershop

(Passing this along exactly as I got it….)

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he
asks the barber about his bill. “I’m sorry, I can’t accept money from
you. I’m doing community service this week.”

The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. The next morning when
the barber goes to open his shop, there’s a thank you card and a dozen
roses waiting at his door.

Later that day a cop comes in for a haircut and he also goes to pay
the barber, and the barber replies: “I’m sorry, I can’t accept money
from you. I’m doing community service this week.”

The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning the barber
goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts
waiting at his door.

Later that day a Democrat comes for a haircut and when he asks the
barber what he owes, the barber replies: “I’m sorry, I can’t accept
money from you. I’m doing community service this week.”

The Democrat is very happy and leaves. The next morning when the
barber goes to open his shop, there are a dozen Democrats waiting at his
door.

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The Talking Dog

The Talking Dog

A guy is out looking for garage sales and he sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog For Sale.”

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes around the house and into the backyard and sees a nice-looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black lab just sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the lab replies.

“So, what’s your story?

The lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young
and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift,
and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would
be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years
running, but the jetting around really tired me out. I knew I wasn’t
getting any younger and I really wanted to settle down.”

“Wow!” the guy says. “Then what?”

“So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover
security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening
in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch
of medals. I had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars.”

“This dog is amazing!” he says. “Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”


“Because he’s a liar!” the owner says. “I heard what he told you. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”

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Redneck Church

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church When…

…The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of
a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

…People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5,000, whether the
two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ’em.

…The pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering” and five guys and two women stand up.

…Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

…A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel drive
truck because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of.”

…The choir is known as the “OK Chorale”.

…In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven different last names in the church directory.

…People think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

…The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized “Wheeling” washtub.

…The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob’s Barbecue.

…The collection plates are really hubcaps from a ’56 Chevy.

…Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

…The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

…The communion wine is Boone’s Farm “Tickled Pink”.

…”Thou shall not covet” applies to huntin’ dawgs, too.

…The final words of the benediction are, “Y’all come back now, heah”?

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She’ll be 18

Art Prints

 

A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway..
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.

The young man lowers his window. ‘Uh, yes, Officer?’

The trooper asks: ‘What are you doing?’

The young man says: ‘Well, Officer, I’m reading a magazine.’

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says:

‘And her, what is she doing?’The young man shrugs: ‘Sir, I believe she’s filing her fingernails.’

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone,

in a car, at night in a lover’s lane… And nothing obscene is happening!The trooper asks:

‘What’s your age, young man?’The young man says:

 

‘I’m 22, sir.’The trooper asks:

‘And her…. what’s her age?’The young man looks at his watch and replies:

‘She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes….Laugh Along on Kindle.

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 The author has been a WRITER/ PHOTOGRAPHER for over 20 years, specializing in nature, landscapes and studying native cultures. Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt, the Canary Islands, much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hardcover and Ebooks, and contact information: please check his website, http://www.journeysthrulife.com.

Your comments appreciated

Young Living photo

alcohol

In today’s world, many resort to abusing DRUGS AND ALCOHOL, why are so many becoming addicted and not only destroying their lives but the lives of others around them as well?

 

The Walking Economy

The Walking
Economy

This guy is walking with his friend. He says
to this friend, “I’m
a walking economy.”


His friend replies, “How so?”

“My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of
inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep
depression.”

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Top 10 Things to Say if You Fall Asleep at Work

Top 10 Things to Say if You Get Caught
Sleeping at Your Desk

10. “They told me at the blood bank this
might happen.”

9. “This is just a 15 minute
power-nap like they raved
about in that time management course you sent me
to.”


8. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You
probably got here just in time!”

7. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission
statement and envisioning a new paradigm.”

6. “I was testing my keyboard for drool
resistance.”

5. “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to
relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory
toward people who practice Yoga?”

4. “Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost
figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”

3. “The coffee machine is broken…”

2. “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong
pot…”

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught
sleeping at work…


1. “…..in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

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Top Signs you are bored at work

 

Top Signs That You’re Bored at
Work

You’ve already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day
calendar
for 2016.

You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough
produces images of Elvis.

You’ve figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.

You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink
before the inevitable explosion occurs.

People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your
ceiling.

You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names
of all seven Dwarfs.

The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin
Infantry, and General White-Out has called for
reinforcements.

Laugh along on Kindle.

 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

alcohol

In today’s world, many resort to abusing drugs and alcohol, why are so many becoming addicted and not only destroying their lives but the lives of others around them as well?