High Stakes Poker

High Stakes Poker

Six retired Floridians play high stakes poker in the condo clubhouse.

A member of the group, Meiers, loses $5,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five finish playing the hand standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, “So, who’s gonna’ tell his wife?”

They cut the cards, and Goldberg “wins” the duty. They tell him to be
discreet, be gentle, not to make a bad situation any worse.

“Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name,” he says. “Leave it to me.”

Goldberg goes over to the Meiers’ apartment and knocks on the door. Mrs. Meiers answers and asks what he wants.

Goldberg declares, “Your husband just lost $5,000 playing poker, and is afraid to come home.”

“Tell him to drop dead!” says the wife.

“Will do,” he says.

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A Death in the Family

A Death in the

Sarah went to work one morning upset. She
was in tears
and very upset.

After several minutes, her boss called her in his office
and asked, “What is wrong, is there something I can do?”

She replied “My mother died.”

The boss then said, “Why don’t you go home, you need some
time off.”

Sarah replied,” No, I would like to stay, it will help
me keep my mind occupied.”

The boss then replied, “OK, but if you should change your
mind, just let me know.”

The day went on and all was going fairly smooth, when all
of a sudden, the boss heard Sarah sobbing loudly.
He went out to her desk and asked, “What has happened

She replied, “My twin sister just called, and her mother
died too!”

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Irritating St. Peter

Irritating St. Peter

St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the Pearly Gates: “For Service Ring Bell.”

Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! the bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one’s there.

St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings
again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one’s there. A little
annoyed, St. Peter goes back to work.

Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back; again, no one’s there, and he’s now really, really irritated.

“Okay, that’s it,” he says. “I’m going to hide and watch to see
what’s going on.” So St. Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old
man walks up and rings the bell.

St. Peter jumps out and yells, “Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the bell?”

“Yes, that’s me,” the little old man says.

“Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?” St. Peter asks.

“They keep resuscitating me.”

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Horrible Deaths

Horrible Deaths

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.Apparently it had been a pretty busy day , though, so St. Peter had to  tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story ?”

The first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes,stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me,and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.”

“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

“It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long,when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding naked inside a refrigerator…”

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Good News , Bad News

Good News

Two days after losing his wife in a boating accident, a man answered the door to two grim-faced police officers.
 They announced “We have good news, some great news, and bad news,which do you want first?”
“Giver me the bad news first,” said the man.
“Sir, I’m afraid we’ve found your wife’s body in San Francisco Bay.”
“Oh, no,”sobbed the man,”My poor wife, My poor darling wife, what can be the good news?”
“When we pulled her up, she had a five pound lobster and and a dozen large edible crabs on her.”
“That’s awful,”replied the man, “So what could be the great news?”
“We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow.”

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