1. Never give me work in the morning. Always
wait until 4:00
and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is
2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every
10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Even
better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going.
It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies,
don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function
as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good
training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me
which is priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and
really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets
out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name
to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write
them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no
right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am
plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions
will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could
really change your life and send you straight to manager’s
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any
and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially
like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus
check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my
goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance
rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the