A Secretaries Creed

A Secretary’s
Creed

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always
wait until 4:00
and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is
refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every
10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Even
better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going.
It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where
you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies,
don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function
as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good
training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of
my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me
which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and
really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life
beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets
out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name
to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write
them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no
right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am
plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions
will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could
really change your life and send you straight to manager’s
hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any
and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially
like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus
check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my
goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance
rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the
money anyway.

Resumes

The following quotations were taken from
resumes
from all over the country. With all the work and care that goes into
writing these documents, it’s funny, if unfortunate, when errors slip
through to the final draft. Alas, such mistakes make exactly the
wrong impression on exactly the wrong
people.

“I am very
detail-oreinted.”

“I have a bachelorette degree in
computers.”

“Graduated in the top 66% of my class.”

“Served as assistant sore manager.”

“Married, eight children. Prefer frequent
travel.”

“Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can
make great lattes.”

“I can play well with others.”

“I have exhaustive experience in
manufacturing.”

“Special skills: I’ve got a Ph.D. in human
feelings.”

“My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I
had.”

“I eat computers for lunch.”

“I have used lots of software
appilcations.”

“Objection: To utilize my skills in
sales.”

“Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for
years.”

“Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice
president’s girlfriend could steal my job.”

“Previous experience: Self-employed — a
fiasco.”

“I am a pit bull when it comes to
analysis.”

“I am the king of accounts payable
reconciliation.”

“Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led normadic
lifestyle.”

“Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning
to the word ‘paranoia.’ I prefer to elaborate
privately.”

“Reason for leaving last job: Bounty hunting was outlaw in my
state.”

“My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes
offend.”

“I love dancing and throwing parties.”

“I am quick at typing, about 25 words per
minute.”

“I am a rabid typist.”

“Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine.”

“Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining
composer.”

“Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.”

“Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that
arouse.”

“Education: College, August 1880 – May
1984.”

“Experience with: LBM-compatible
computers.”

“Fortunately because of stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care
ward.”

“Typing Speed: 756 wpm.”

“Objectives: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal
income taxes and tax laws.”

“Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are
usually inseparable.”

“Personal Qualities: Outstanding worker; flexible 24
hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a
year.”

“My experience in horticulture is
well-rooted.”

“Work History: Performed brain wave tests,
1879-1981.”

“Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my
head!”

“I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy,
and
expertise.”

“Personal: Married 20 years; own a home, along with a friendly
mortgage company.”

“My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels,
and my ability to complete projects on time is
unspeakable.”

“Exposure to German for two years, but many words are
inappropriate for business.”

“Frequent Lecturer: Largest Audience: 1,351. Standing
Ovations: 5. Number of Audience Questions: 30.”

“Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high
school.”

“My fortune cookie said, ‘Your next interview will result
in a job’ — and I like your company in
particular.”

“Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory;
effective management skills; and very good at
math.”

“Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground
up using my father-in-law.”

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Prospective Employee Test

Prospective Employee
Test

Take the prospective employees you are trying
to place and put them in a
room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours,
without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what
they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart,
put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to
Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to
Consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for
them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer
Information Systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they’re destined for the Help
Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs,
put
them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests,
Public Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping, they are Management
material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical
Documents team.

If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to
Security.

If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to
Marketing.

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The Partners

A very successful businessman had a meeting
with his new
son-in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you
into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we
care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business.
All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn
the operations.”

The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t
stand the noise.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work
in the office and take charge of some of the
operations.”

“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand
being stuck behind a desk all day.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just make you
half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don’t
like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going
to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”

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Murphy’s Technology Laws

Murphy’s Technology
Laws

All great discoveries are made by
mistake.

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe
and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on
it and he’ll have to touch to be sure.

Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within
budget.

All’s well that ends.

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept
and the hours are lost.

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds
as 20 men working 20 years make.

Nothing motivates a man more than to see his
boss putting in an honest day’s work.

Some people manage by the book, even though they
don’t know who wrote the book or even what
book.

After all is said and done, a heck of a lot more
is said than done.

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Mergers We’d like to See

Mergers We’d Like to
See

There is a merger in the works involving
Polygraph Records, Warner
Brothers, and Keebler. It will be called …
Poly-Warner-Cracker.

*
3M & Goodyear = mmmGood
*
John Deere & Abitibi-Price = Deere
Abi
*
Crabtree & Evelyn and Apple computer = Crab
Apple
*
Zippo Manufacturing & Audi & Dofasco & Dakota Mining =
Zip Audi Do Da
*
Folger Coffee & Detroit Edison & Rolex =
Folderal
*
Swissair & Cheseborough-Ponds =
Swisschese
*
Honeywell & Imasco & Home Oil = Honey, I’m
Home
*
Denison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All
Mine
*
3M & JC Penney & Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penney
Opera
*
Mattel & Pacific Gold = Ma & Pa
*
Sears Roebuck & Rogers Cable = Buck
Rogers
*
Luvs Diapers + Hertz Rent-a-car = Luv
Hertz
*
Knott’s Berry Farm + National Organization of Women = Knott
NOW
*
Federal Express and UPS = Fed Up.

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The Manager

The Manager

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What is your name?” was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

“John,” the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, “Look, I don’t know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call
anyone  by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last
name only – Smith, Jones, Baker – that’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is
your last name?”

The new guy sighed and said, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”

“Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you
is…”

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 The author has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature, landscapes and studying native cultures. Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt, the Canary Islands, much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hardcover and Ebooks, and contact information: please check his website, www.journeysthrulife.com.

Your comments appreciated

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I have found over the years that there is no such thing as reality, it is only how we perceive it. Each of us may have a different view of it because of our different beliefs and experiences. Two individuals can be sitting side by side, looking at the same event and “see” two entirely different outcomes based on their individual perceptions.

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Stranded on a Desert Island

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself onto a Caribbeancruise and proceeded to have the time of his life — that is, until the
ship sank.

He soon found himself stranded on a tropical island with no supplies, just fresh water and fruit.

After several months, he is lying on the beach one day when a
gorgeous woman rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, “Where did
you come from? How did you get here?”

She replies, “I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank.”

“Amazing,” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.”

“Oh, this thing?” says the woman. “I made the boat out of some raw
material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree fronds, and the sides and
stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”

“But, where did you get the tools?”

“Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the south side of
the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found
that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make
the hardware.”

The guy is stunned.

“Let’s row over to my place,” she says “and I’ll give you a tour.” So
she rowed him to the other side of the island, and docked the boat at a
small wharf. As the man looks to shore, his jaw drops. Before him is a
long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,
the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house,
she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Please sit down.
Would you like a drink?”

“No! No thank you,” the man blurts out, still dazed. “I can’t take another drop of coconut milk.”

“Oh it’s not coconut,” winks the woman. “I have a still. How would you like one of my Tropical Zombies?”

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit
down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual
survival stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something
more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There’s a
razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.”

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the
bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise
bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its
end inside a swivel mechanism.

“This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What’s next?” He’s amazed that the shower features warm water, but he decides not to ask.

When he returns downstairs, she greets him wearing nothing but some
small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned she smelled
faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him. “We’ve
both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was
the last time you played around?”

He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean…” he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, “…You’ve built a golf course, too!?“

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The Failed Exam

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

 

 

 

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

I would have given him 100%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? 
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? 
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? 
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure? 
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? 
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple? 
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? 
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? 
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? 
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? 
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? 
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? 
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

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The Italian Elbow

T H E   I T A L I A N   E L B O W
 
An
Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
 
“You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301.

 
There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301.
 
I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3.
 
When you get out, I’mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell.”
 
“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
 
“What . . . .. .. You coming empty handed?”

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