Cheating Wife

Cheating Wife!

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.

The guy says, “Who is this?”

“This is the maid,” answered the woman.

“We don’t have a maid!”

“I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.”

“Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”

“Um…she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband.”

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, “Listen, would you like to make 25,000 bucks?”

“What do I have to do?”

“I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with.”

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.The maid comes back to the phone.

“What should I do with the bodies?”

“Throw them in the swimming pool!”

“What! There’s no pool here?””Uh… is this 2263841?”

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 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

Make money doing what you love

Make money doing what you love

 

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Good News , Bad News

Good News

Two days after losing his wife in a boating accident, a man answered the door to two grim-faced police officers.
 They announced “We have good news, some great news, and bad news,which do you want first?”
“Giver me the bad news first,” said the man.
“Sir, I’m afraid we’ve found your wife’s body in San Francisco Bay.”
“Oh, no,”sobbed the man,”My poor wife, My poor darling wife, what can be the good news?”
“When we pulled her up, she had a five pound lobster and and a dozen large edible crabs on her.”
“That’s awful,”replied the man, “So what could be the great news?”
“We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow.”

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The Armless Bell Ringer

The Armless Bellringers

I thought this was hilarious!

 

There was a monastery in France at the edge of a cliff overlooking a beautiful valley, and
because its bells could be heard over such a wide area, it developed a
reputation for attracting only the finest bellringers in the country.

There was always a bit of dread when a bellringer passed on or retired, and
one year, when they spread the word of their need for a new master,
there was a dearth of qualified candidates. They would have been good
enough for any other monastery, but not this one. Better to have silent
bells than anything less than the best.

As they were despairing at the quality of candidates, a man with no
arms paid a visit to apply for the position. The monks were amazed and
protested that this was no time for joking. But the man insisted, said
he was from a family of famous bellringers, and he would show them what
he could do. He drew back, lowered his head, and charged full speed at
the bell. The monks was horrified, but could not stop him. And the
sound — oh my, you should have been there! It was indeed a sound
worthy of that monastery. It rang thruout the valley, and people
everywhere stopped in their tracks and nodded to each other that at
last a worthy bellringer had been found.

But alas, it was not to be. For the impact so stunned the poor
armless man that he stumbled dizzily and fell over the cliff. The head
monk ran down the steps to where a crowd had gathered, and a policeman
spoke to him. “Do you know this man?” The monk sighed, “No, but his
face rings a bell.”

The search continued. One day not long after, another armless man
showed up and presented himself as the previous man’s brother. He was
there to uphold the family honor, and would show them what a good
bellringer could do. The monks protested, but too late — he also drew
back and charged full speed into the bell. And once again, the most
beautiful sound pealed out over the valley, such that even the birds
circled around to see what was happening. And once again, he was so
stunned that he too fell over the cliff in a daze.

Once again the head monk scrambled down the stairs to meet the crowd
and a policeman. Again he was asked if he knew the deceased. “No, but
he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”


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Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

Make money doing what you love

Make money doing what you love

This informative Ebook describes alternative methods of making money ,often a full time income in photography even if you have no desire to shoot wedding photography. this book gives examples and websites where you can use your photos to supply you with an income, not only to enable you to buy new equipment, but a living income as well.

 

Detergents take out blood stains

Detergents

Now they show you how to take out blood stains- A pretty violent image there.
 I think if you have a T-shirt with blood stains all over it , maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
 Maybe you should get rid of the body before you wash it.

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The Husband’s Affair

The Husband’s Affair

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
‘I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.’

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph.

The husband speaks again, ‘I don’t want you to try and talk me out of
it,’ he says, ‘because I’ve been having an affair with your best
friend, and she’s a far better lover than you are.’

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75.

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He pushes his luck, ‘I want the house,’ he says insistently.

Up to 80.

‘I want the car, too,’ he continues.

85 mph.

‘And,’ he says, ‘I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!’

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This
makes him nervous, so he asks her, ‘Isn’t there anything you want?’

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. ‘No, I’ve got everything I need,’ she says.

‘Oh, really,’ he inquires, ‘so what have you got?’

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles, ‘The airbag.’


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 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

alcohol

In today’s world, many resort to abusing drugs and alcohol, why are so many becoming addicted and not only destroying their lives but the lives of others around them as well?

 

Women Who Know Their Place

WOMEN
WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

Smart Women

Barbara Walters, of
20/20, did a story on gender roles in
Kabul,
Afghanistan, several years before the
Afghan conflict.

She noted that women
customarily walked five paces behind their
husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul
and observed that women still walk
behind
their husbands. Despite the overthrow
of the oppressive Taliban regime, the
women
now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old
custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the
Afghani women and asked, ‘Why do you now
seem
happy with an old custom that you once tried so
desperately to change?’

The woman looked
Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without
hesitation
said, ‘Land
Mines.’

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George W Bush and Saddam Hussein in Bagdad


Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush

Top Level talks between Bush and Hussein

Bush and Hussein meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peaceprocess. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side ofSaddam’s chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddampresses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on thedesk and punches Bush in the face.

Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minuteslater the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out andkicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries ontalking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between thetwo countries. But when the third button is pressed and another bootcomes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he’s finally had enough,knowing that he can’t do much without them functioning well. “I’m goingback home!” he tells the Iraqi. “We’ll finish these talks in twoweeks!”

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States fortalks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush’schair and prepares himself for the Yank’s revenge. They begin talkingand Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens.George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button.Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter.When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and againnothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

“Forget this,” says Saddam. “I’m going back to Baghdad!”

Dubya says through tears of laughter, “What Baghdad?”

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The Wife and the Mistress

George decides to take his boss Sam to play 9 holes of golf on their lunch.
While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two
women in front of them moving at a very slow pace.

George offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a
bit. He gets about 3/4ths of the way stops and jogs back. His boss asks
what the problem is.

George said, “Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress.

Sam just shook his head at Joe and started towards the women determined to finish his round of golf.

Preparing to ask the ladies to hurry their game he too stopped short and turned around.

George asked, “What’s wrong?”

Sam replies, “It’s a small, small world George, and you’re fired”

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The Talking Clock

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

What’s with that big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.

It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock”, the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.

“Yup”, replied the drunk.

How’s it work?” the friend asked, squinting at it.

“Watch”, the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “You jerk! It’s three-fifteen in the morning!

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The War on Terror , A New Direction

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I am over 60, and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. My back hurts! I can’t sleep. I’m tired and hungry. We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn’t even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell? Besides, like I said, I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brain teaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at. Female drill sergeants? That just adds to the reality. And we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling….

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I’ve been in combat and didn’t see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. Heck: they still haven’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade their eyes, not the back of their heads. Dumbasses!

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed-off old farts with attitude and automatic weapons who know that
their best years are already well behind them.

The author has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature, landscapes and studying native cultures. Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt, the Canary Islands, much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hardcover and Ebooks, and contact information: please check his website, www.journeysthrulife.com.

Your comments appreciated

 

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church and state

There has been much debate over the years about what the founding fathers meant about the separation of church and state. In recent times there has been much disinformation about how they actually believed, especially George Washington. In this short Ebook the author tries to explain how they actually felt.