Words From Famous Women

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Words From Famous
Women

“When women are depressed they either eat
or go shopping. Men invade
another country.”
Elayne Boosler

 

“Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and
look stupid.”
Hedy Lamarr

“Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.”
Maryon Pearson

“I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at
home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which
growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat
that comes home late at night.”
Marie Corelli

“I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.”
Gilda Radner

“Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed
as
an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as
quickly promoted as a male schlemiel.”
Bella Abzug

“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps
they should live next door and just visit now and then.”
Katharine Hepburn

“In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want
anything done, ask a woman.”
Margaret Thatcher

“Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.”
Baroness Edith Summerskill

“If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around
your neck?”
Linda Ellerbee


Secrets about life every woman should know
“I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his
house.”
Zsa Zsa Gabor

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 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

reality

I have found over the years that there is no such thing as reality, it is only how we perceive it. Each of us may have a different view of it because of our different beliefs and experiences. Two individuals can be sitting side by side, looking at the same event and “see” two entirely different outcomes based on their individual perceptions.

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Wish I’d Said That Part 2

 

Wish I’d Said That – Part 2

“Democracy is a device that insures we shall
be governed
no better than we deserve.”
— George Bernard Shaw

 

 

“The more I study religions the more I am convinced that
man never worshiped anything but himself.”
— Sir Richard F. Burton

“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to
tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.”
— Samuel Goldwyn

“Crime does not pay… as well as politics.”
— Alfred E. Newman

“Why is it that our memory is good enough to retain the
least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough
to recollect how often we have told it to the same person?”
— La Rochefoucauld


“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.”
— Jonathan Swift

American Freemasons

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can
prove that you don’t need it.”
— Bob Hope

“I know Kung Fu, Karate, and 47 other dangerous words.”
— Jo Ramos

Don’t cry because its over, smile because it happened.

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 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

The wisdom of our ancestors

The wisdom of our ancestors

There is an extreme shortage of common sense in today’s world, When looking back in history, I soon discovered this has always been a problem, Benjamin Franklin once said, ”Of all the senses, common sense seems to be the one that is used the least.” As obvious as it may seem, many seem to be totally oblivious to it. Most, if not all of the problems the world faces today could be solved if people would just sit back and think about what would seem to be the most obvious and simple solution to any issue. Often times people tend to over complicate the issues. I often think back to what my parents and grandparents believed and said, at the time I thought they were totally out of their mind and ignored it. I now wish I would have listened and followed their advice. It is now evident they were a lot smarter than we gave them credit for. Many times, in today’s world, the schools and universities can no longer be counted on to teach truth and values that will guide someone through life.

Available in both hard copy and Ebook format.

Wish I’d Said That

 

Wish I’d Said
That

We the unwilling, working for the ungrateful,
are doing
the impossible. We have done so much, for so long,
with so little, we are now qualified to do anything
with nothing

 

You spend your whole life believing that you’re on the
right track, only to discover that you’re on the wrong train.

I know they say love is blind, but does it also have to
be deaf, dumb, and stupid ?

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can
not change, the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to
kill because they ticked me off.

“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the
answer but wish we didn’t.” — Erica Jong

The Celestine Phrophecy

“The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any
problem, it is generally employed only by small
children and large nations.”
— David Friedman

“He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the
next exit.”
— Unknown

“Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to
complain.”
— Lily Tomlin

Art Prints

“Too bad the only people who know how to run the country
are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.”
— George Burns

The best place for jokes, follow me on Kindle.

 

 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

The wisdom of our ancestors

The wisdom of our ancestors

There is an extreme shortage of common sense in today’s world, When looking back in history, I soon discovered this has always been a problem, Benjamin Franklin once said, ”Of all the senses, common sense seems to be the one that is used the least.” As obvious as it may seem, many seem to be totally oblivious to it. Most, if not all of the problems the world faces today could be solved if people would just sit back and think about what would seem to be the most obvious and simple solution to any issue. Often times people tend to overcomplicate the issues. I often think back to what my parents and grandparents believed and said, at the time I thought they were totally out of their mind and ignored it. I now wish I would have listened and followed their advice. It is now evident they were a lot smarter than we gave them credit for. Many times, in today’s world, the schools and universities can no longer be counted on to teach truth and values that will guide someone through life.

Available in hard copy and Ebook format

Your comments appreciated

 

Quotable Quotes

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I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my
mother took me to see him
in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. –Shirley
Temple
*
If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it
would
probably be Labor Day Weekend. –Doug Lars


*

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you
don’t need it. –Bob Hope
*

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their
fellow man, and I hate people like that! –Tom Lehrer
*

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and
then
I thought: What good would that do? –Ronnie Shakes
*

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. –Rod Serling
*

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving
birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. –Sam Levenson
(1911-1980)
*

Television – a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor
well-done. –Ernie Kovacs
*

Always remember this: If you don’t attend the funerals of your
friends, they will certainly not attend yours. –H.L.
Mencken
*

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel
tells
us the truth about its author. –G. K. Chesterton
(1874-1936)
*

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States,
unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine milimeter
bullet. –Dave Barry
*

This isn’t right. It isn’t even wrong. –Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper
submitted by a physicist colleague
*

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open
and
the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than
money. –Joey Bishop
*

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate
it.
–Franklin P. Jones
*

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that’s REALLY BAD
for you. –Tommy Smothers
*

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of
twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
–Norm Crosby
*

The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their
friends
thought I didn’t exist. –Aaron Machado
*

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit
going to those places. –Henny Youngman
*

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can
be the designated driver. –Jay Leno
*

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I
win
or lose. –Darrin Weinberg
*

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life
in
which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. –Fran
Lebowitz
*

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a
coffin. –H.L. Mencken

Bob Sieman Butterfly Cross
*

It ain’t so much the things you don’t know that get you in trouble.
It’s the things you know that just ain’t so. –Artimus
Ward

The best place to find jokes, follow me on Kindle.

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 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

The wisdom of our ancestors

The wisdom of our ancestors

There is an extreme shortage of common sense in today’s world, When looking back in history, I soon discovered this has always been a problem, Benjamin Franklin once said, ”Of all the senses, common sense seems to be the one that is used the least.” As obvious as it may seem, many seem to be totally oblivious to it. Most, if not all of the problems the world faces today could be solved if people would just sit back and think about what would seem to be the most obvious and simple solution to any issue. Often times people tend to overcomplicate the issues. I often think back to what my parents and grandparents believed and said, at the time I thought they were totally out of their mind and ignored it. I now wish I would have listened and followed their advice. It is now evident they were a lot smarter than we gave them credit for. Many times, in today’s world, the schools and universities can no longer be counted on to teach truth and values that will guide someone through life.

Available in hard copy and Ebook format.

Photography Prints

Sports Quotes #2


1981 – Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when
asked what terms
Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for
in his upcoming contract negotiations: “He wants Texas
back.”


*

1966 – Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal
number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical
conditioning: “One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do
you go about getting a nose in condition for football?”
*


1981 – Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after
the
team’s co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring
running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: “I’m
going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next
time.”
*


1991 -Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans
that
a fire at Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20 books: “But the real
tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet.”
*


1986 – Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss
what he thought of the refs: “I’m not allowed to comment on lousy
officiating.”
*


1991 – Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as
opposed to Sunday afternoons: “It’s basically the same, just
darker.”
*

1996 – Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not
to vote: “I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I’d get
shot.”
*

1991 – Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at
Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son’s reaction after
he took the job with the Boilermakers: “He said: ‘Gosh, Dad, that
mean’s we’re not going to any more bowl games.”
*


1986 – LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14
children:
“They can’t fire me because my family buys too many
tickets.”
*


1991 – Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I
told him, ‘Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said,
“Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.”
*


1991 – Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach,
John Jenkins: “He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.”
*


1987 – Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting
what he told a player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me
like you’re spending too much time on one subject.”

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Sports Quotes

Photography Prints

 

Sports Quotes

“I’m going to graduate on time, no matter
how long it takes.”
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
*
“Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy
like
Norman Einstein.”
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996

 

*
“You guys line up alphabetically by height.”
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
*
“You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.”
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
*

“I play football. I’m not trying to be a
professor. The tests don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring your
brain on stuff I haven’t been through in school.”
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman
because of academic requirements:
*
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with
promoter Don King: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter?
He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”
*
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps
a
color photo of himself above his locker: “That’s so when I forget how
to spell my name, I can still find my #%@# clothes.”
*
Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his
visit to Greece: “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we
went to.”
*
Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships: “I’ve won at every
level, except college and pro.”
*

Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of
heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in
the morning regardless of what time it is.”
*
1992- Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s
7-27 record: “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general
manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.”
*

1982 – Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player,
explaining
to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: “My
sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or
an aunt.”

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 The author has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature, landscapes and studying native cultures. Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt, the Canary Islands, much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hardcover and Ebooks, and contact information: please check his website, www.journeysthrulife.com.

Your comments appreciated

Improve your health,increase your wealth

Improve your health,increase your wealth

alcohol

In today’s world, many resort to abusing drugs and alcohol, why are so many becoming addicted and not only destroying their lives but the lives of others around them as well?

 

Perspectives on Aging

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Perspectives on
Aging

“How old would you be if you didn’t know
how old you are?” – Satchel Paige

“It’s no longer a question of staying healthy. It’s a question of
finding
a sickness you like.” – Jackie Mason

 

Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes
alone.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, … it
doesn’t
matter. – Mark Twain

Age only matters if you’re cheese.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can
get.

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway;
the
good fortune to run into the ones I do; and the eyesight to tell the
difference!
The Calvin and Hobbs Lazy Sunday Book
He who laughs, lasts.

I’ve gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid
before
I can ask where I left my glasses.

I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t
hurt.

Art Prints
If you laugh a lot, when you get older your wrinkles will be in the
right
places.

Middle age is when you burn the midnight oil around 9:00
PM.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves
completely.

Old age and treachery will overcome youth and
skill.

The big thing today is computer dating. If you don’t know how to run
a
computer it really dates you.

The golden years: When actions creak louder than
words.

There’s nothing wrong with the younger generation that twenty years
or so
won’t cure.

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 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

The wisdom of our ancestors

The wisdom of our ancestors

There is an extreme shortage of common sense in today’s world, When looking back in history, I soon discovered this has always been a problem, Benjamin Franklin once said, ”Of all the senses, common sense seems to be the one that is used the least.” As obvious as it may seem, many seem to be totally oblivious to it. Most, if not all of the problems the world faces today could be solved if people would just sit back and think about what would seem to be the most obvious and simple solution to any issue. Often times people tend to overcomplicate the issues. I often think back to what my parents and grandparents believed and said, at the time I thought they were totally out of their mind and ignored it. I now wish I would have listened and followed their advice. It is now evident they were a lot smarter than we gave them credit for. Many times, in today’s world, the schools and universities can no longer be counted on to teach truth and values that will guide someone through life.

Available in Hard Copy and Ebook Format

 

Did They Really Say That

Did They Really say that?

“On the one hand, we’ll never experience
childbirth. On the other hand, we
can open all our own jars.”
Bruce Willis (On the difference between men and women)

“Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.”

Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner – 1996)


“There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane Either
you have diarrhea, or you’re eager to meet people who do.”
Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)

“My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the natural
enemy of a tightrope walker.”
Dan Rather (News anchorman)

“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, ‘Thyroid
problem?'”
Arnold Schwarzenegger

“I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty.
Actually, I’m more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing
quite well for themselves.”
Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like
and just give her a house.”
Rod Stewart

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Celebrity Quotes

 

(1) “Instead of getting married again, I’m
going to find a
woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” * Steven
Seagal

 

 

(2) “The problem with the designated driver
program, it’s
not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it,
have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the
wrong house.” * Jeff Foxworthy

(3) “If a woman has to choose between catching
a fly ball
and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life
without even considering if there is a man on base.” * Dave
Barry

(4) “Relationships are hard. It’s like
a full time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance
pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a
temp.” * Bob Ettinger

(5) “My Mom said she learned how to swim
when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they
weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.” * Paula
Poundstone

The Time Traveler’s Wife

(6) ” A study in the Washington Post says
that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of
that study: Uh, duh!” * Conan O’Brien

(7) “Why does Sea World have a seafood
restaurant? I’m
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness. . I
could be eating a slow learner.” * Lynda Montgomery

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(8) “The day I worry about cleaning my
house is the day
Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.” *
Roseanne

(9) “I think that’s how Chicago got started.
A bunch of
people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and
the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.'”
* Richard Jeni

(10) “If life was fair, Elvis would be
alive and all the
impersonators would be dead.” * Johnny Carson

(11) “Sometimes I think war is God’s way
of teaching us
geography.” * Paul Rodriguez

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 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

The wisdom of our ancestors

The wisdom of our ancestors

There is an extreme shortage of common sense in today’s world, When looking back in history, I soon discovered this has always been a problem, Benjamin Franklin once said, ”Of all the senses, common sense seems to be the one that is used the least.” As obvious as it may seem, many seem to be totally oblivious to it. Most, if not all of the problems the world faces today could be solved if people would just sit back and think about what would seem to be the most obvious and simple solution to any issue. Often times people tend to over complicate the issues. I often think back to what my parents and grandparents believed and said, at the time I thought they were totally out of their mind and ignored it. I now wish I would have listened and followed their advice. It is now evident they were a lot smarter than we gave them credit for. Many times, in today’s world, the schools and universities can no longer be counted on to teach truth and values that will guide someone through life.

Available in Hard Copy and Ebook Format.

Andy Rooney


Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in
with your bills now? Like bills aren’t distasteful enough,
they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I
put garbage in with my check when I mail it in.
Coffee grinds, banana peels…I write, “Could you throw this away for
me? Thank you.”


*

Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for.
Then I
noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) ‘Married’ (walk off). That’s
how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it’s hard
to
get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
*

Cripes:
My wife’s from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome.
They use words like ‘Cripes.’ For Cripe’s sake. Who would that be, Jesus
Cripes? The son of ‘Gosh?’ of the church of ‘Holy Moly’.
I’m not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in
‘Heck’?
*

Pregnancy:
It’s weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, ‘Oh
my.
He’s kicking. Do you wanna feel it?’ I always feel awkward reaching over
there. Come on! It’s weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don’t do
that when I have gas. “Oh my…give me your hand…It won’t be long
now…”
*

Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, ‘Sexy
Senior
Citizen’. You don’t want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?
Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that
dollar
she gave you for your birthday.
*

Reverse Life Cycle:
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life
is tough. It
takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death.
What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should
die
first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get
kicked
forty out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You
work
years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs,
alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school,
you
become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little
baby,
you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating…you
finish
off as a gleam.
*

Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house
each prisoner?
Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I’ll take a few prisoners into my
house.
I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don’t think
we
should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to
run
twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they
don’t
want to run, they can rest in the chair that’s hooked up to the
generator.
*

Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have
awards
for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I
taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole
thing.
*

Phone-in Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
Did
you
ever notice there’s always like 18% “I don’t know”. It costs 90 cents to
call
up and vote…They’re voting “I don’t know.” “Honey, I feel very strongly
about
this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON’T KNOW! (hangs up,
looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you’re
not
sure about.” This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say
“I’m
not in the mood.”
*

Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone’s
answering
machine? “Hi, It’s a great day and I’m out enjoying it right now.
I hope
you
are, too. The thought for the day is ‘Share the love’. Beep.” “Uh,
yeah…this is the VD clinic calling…Speaking of being positive, your test
is
back. Stop sharing the love.”

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