The Old Man and the Moped

A hip young man goes out and buys the best
car available: a 1998
Turbo Best Car. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and
it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for
a spin and, while doing so,
stops for a red light.

 

An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old)
pulls up
next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the
car and asks, “What kind of car ya
got there, sonny?”

The young man replies “A 1998 Turbo Best
Car. They cost $500,000.”

“That’s a lot of money!”
says the old man, shocked. “Why does it cost
so much?”

“Because this car can do
up to 320 miles an hour!” states the cool dude
proudly.

The moped driver asks, “Can I take a look
inside?”

“Sure”, replies the owner.

So, the old man pokes his
head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the
old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right!”

Just then, the light changes, so the guy
decides to show the old man what
his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads
320
mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be
getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and
suddenly,
whhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much
faster!”

” What on earth could be going faster than
my Turbo Best Car? ” The young
man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward
him.

Whoosh! It goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on
the
moped!
“Couldn’t be,” thinks the guy. “How could a moped outrun a Turbo
Best Car?”

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view
mirror!

Whooosshka-blam! It plows into the back of
his car, demolishing the rear
end. The young man jumps out, and WOW, IT IS the old man! Of course,
the moped
and the old man are hurting for certain.

He runs up to the dying old man and says,
“You’re hurt bad!
Is there anything I can do for
you?”

The old man groans and replies “Yes. Unhook
my suspenders from your
side-view mirror!”

 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

 

You can also follow him on your Kindle.

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A modern day vision quest

Join me in a journey of self discovery and enlightenment. Journey to the outback of Australia and learn the ways of the ancient aborigines

A Man’s Guide to Tools

This is not, by any means, a full and complete list. But it’ll get even the most handy handyman started.

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Skil Saw
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

Belt Sander
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

Wire Wheel
Cleans paint off bolts, and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
‘Oh shit’.

Drill Press
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you
had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

Channel Locks
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

Hacksaw
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle — it
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.

Vise Grips
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand. (Note the spelling: a “Vice Grip”
is something else entirely.)

Oxyacetylene Torch
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop
and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

Table Saw
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles
for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!

Hydraulic Floor Jack
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed
your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

Band Saw
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large
pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you
cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

Two-Ton Engine Hoist
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

Phillips Screwdriver
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but
can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw
heads.

Straight Screwdriver
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. (Note: not the opposite of a Gay Screwdriver.)

Pry Bar
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

PVC Pipe Cutter
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

Hammer
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
object we are trying to hit.

Utility Knife
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such
as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful
for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used
to initiate a trip to the emergency room so a doctor can sew up the
damage.

Son Of A Bitch Tool
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘Son of a bitch!‘ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need after using any of the above.

Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean, and studied Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different cultures!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has studied and applied what he has learned to solving the many issues facing not only the United States, but the world as well.

Common Sense solutions to complex problems.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks, please check his website.http://www.commonsensejourneys.com

You can also follow him on your Kindle.

The Buddy Code

1. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him.

2. Under no circumstances may two guys share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow attendees.

4. When you are queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother,
father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not
— and should not — provide any useful information whatsoever as to
his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent
without recrimination. Beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to
call out, “Bullshit!” (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the
allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).

7. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits. Forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s
running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10
minutes for every increment of hotness she scores on the classic
“1-to-10” Babe Scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s refrigerator
is forbidden. You may, however, gripe if its temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering a friend’s birthday is strictly optional
and slightly gay.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your
buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get
carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast,
your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy’s “ex”, you are required to ask his permission. He, in return, is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be regarded as
spies until they demonstrate a knowledge of the game and the ability to
pick a buffalo wing clean.

14. If a guy’s zipper is down, that’s his problem. You didn’t see nothin’.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

16. A man must never own a cat or even like his girlfriend’s cat.

17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask
who’s playing.

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny
friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be
able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare the excuse about
joining the priesthood.

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The Necktie

The Necktie

A guy goes into a restaurant and lounge,
his shirt
open at the collar, but is stopped by a bouncer who tells
him he must wear a necktie to get in.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for
a tie and discovers that he just doesn’t have one. He sees
a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties
these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly
acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle
free.

He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully
looks him over for a few minutes and then says, “Well,
okay, I guess you can come in — just don’t start
anything.”

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Three not so wise Men

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Three Not So Wise
Men

Three blonde men are stranded on one side
of a wide river, and don’t know
how to get across.

The first man prays to God to make him smart enough to figure out
how to
cross the river, so God turns him into a brown haired man and he swims
across.

The second man prays to God to make him even smarter, so God turns
him
into dark-haired man and he builds a boat and rows
across.

Then the third man prays to God to make him the smartest of all, so
God
turns him into a woman and she walks across the bridge.

I post jokes several times a week, you can follow on Kindle.

 

 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

In today’s world, many resort to abusing drugs and alcohol, why are so many becoming addicted and not only destroying their lives but the lives of others around them as well?

 

Politically Correct

Politically
Correct

(How to talk about men and still be politically
correct.)

He does not have a beer gut; he
has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.
*
He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL
MINIMALIST.
*
He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL
DEVELOPMENT.
*
He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.
*

He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

Get your chuckles ,follow me on Kindle.

A Man is a Person Who

A Man Is a Person
Who…

A man is a person who, if a woman says,
“Nevermind, I’ll do it myself.” – lets her.
*
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man,
“Nevermind, I’ll do it myself, and he lets her – gets mad.
*
A man is a person who, if a woman says,
“Nevermind, I’ll do it myself.” – lets her and she gets mad – says,
“Now what are you mad about?”
*
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man,
“Nevermind, I’ll do it myself, and he lets her – gets mad.,
and he says, “Now what are you mad about?” – says,
“If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you.”

Find your chuckles on Kindle.

 

 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

Make money doing what you love

This informative Ebook describes alternative methods of making money ,often a full time income in photography even if you have no desire to shoot wedding photography. this book gives examples and websites where you can use your photos to supply you with an income, not only to enable you to buy new equipment, but a living income as well.

 

Because I’m a Guy

Because I Am a Guy…

Because I’m a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV.

If the thing has been misplaced, I’ll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator. *

Because I’m a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink beer. *

Because I’m a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t an issue. *

Because I’m a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “Cumin” or “Tofu.” For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which “feminine hygiene product” is a euphemism. *

Because I’m a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together. * Because I’m a guy, we are NEVER lost … and no, I don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger – how the heck could HE know where we’re going? *

Because I’m a guy, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t. *

Because I’m a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother’s day is okay, I don’t need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom too? *

Because I’m a guy, I am capable of announcing, “one more beer and I really have to go,” and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I’ll be home soon, and no, I don’t understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What’s the connection?

* Because I’m a guy, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t. *

Because I’m a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating. *

Because I’m a guy, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without, it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Everything is fine. CAN WE JUST GO NOW? *

Because I’m a guy and this is, after all, the 90’s, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I’ll do the rest.

Join me on Kindle for your chuckles.

 

 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world! He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed. For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com Your comments appreciated

The wisdom of our ancestors

Wisdom from a forgotten era.

Politically Correct

Politically
Correct

(How to talk about men and still be politically
correct.)

He does not have a beer gut; he
has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.

*
He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL
MINIMALIST.
*
He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL
DEVELOPMENT.
*
He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.
*

He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

Now you can follow me on Kindle.

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The Mermaid

The Mermaid
One day three men are out having a relaxing
day fishing, when suddenly
they catch a mermaid. After hauling the mermaid up in a net, she
promises that if the men set her free, in return she will grant
each of them a wish.

The first man doesn’t believe it so he says, “Alright, if you can
really
grant wishes, then double my IQ.”

The mermaid says, “Done” and suddenly, the first man starts to
flawlessly recite Shakespeare and analyze it with extreme
insight.

The second man is so amazed, he looks at the mermaid and says,
“Triple
my IQ.”

The mermaid says, “Done” and the second man starts to recite
solutions
to all of the mathematical problems that have been stumping all of the
scientists in various fields from physics to chemistry,
etc.

The third man is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, he
says to the mermaid: “Quintuple my IQ.”

The mermaid looks at him and says, “You know, I normally don’t try
to
change people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you’d
reconsider.”

The man responds, “Nope, I want you to increase my IQ times five,
and
if you don’t do it, I won’t set you free.”

“Please,” said the mermaid “You don’t know what you’re
asking…it’ll
change your entire view on the universe. Won’t you ask for something
else… a million dollars, anything?”

But no matter what the mermaid said, the third man insisted on
having
his IQ increased by five times it’s usual power.

So the mermaid finally relented and said, “Done.”

The third man became a woman.

Now you can follow me on Kindle.

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