Short Lawyer Jokes

Short Lawyer Jokes

No, not jokes about short lawyers, but short jokes about lawyers.

A Bar Association charter flight was hijacked by terrorists. When the terrorists made their press release, they said that, until their demands were met, they would release one lawyer per hour.

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time,until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he had had enough. The bartender said, “I’ve got to ask you: what’s with the pocket business?” The man replied, “I have my lawyer’s picture in there.When he starts to look honest, I know I’ve had enough.”

Lawyer: someone who makes sure that he gets what’s coming to you.

An indigent client who had been injured in an accident went looking for a lawyer to represent him without cost. One lawyer told him that he would take the case on contingency. When the client asked what”contingency” was, the lawyer replied, “If I don’t win your lawsuit, I don’t get anything. If I do win your lawsuit, then you don’t get anything.”

Q: What do you call parachuting lawyers?
A: Skeet.

Q: Why are lawyers buried in deeper graves than regular folks?
A: Because deep down, they’re really nice people.

Q: What’s the difference between lawyers and vultures?
A: Vultures can’t take their wing tips off.
A: The vulture eventually lets go.

Q: How do you greet a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: “Good morning, your honor.”

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight.

Q: Why should lawyers always be buried face down?
A: If they wake up, they’ll start digging.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: A leech will drop off when its victim dies.

and…

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are documented case histories.


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 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

alcohol

In today’s world, many resort to abusing drugs and alcohol, why are so many becoming addicted and not only destroying their lives but the lives of others around them as well?

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Famous Sports Quotes

Famous Sports Quotes

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: “I want all  the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.”

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season :”I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the ‘Skins say “I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said, “To win,I’d run over Joe’s mom too.”

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: “Nobody in football should be called a genius.. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, “Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye.”

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.”

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: “I play football. I’m not trying to be a professor. The tests don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven’t been through in school.”

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: “That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my @#%#%@ clothes.”

Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”

Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships: “I’ve won at every level, except college and pro.”

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.”

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record:”We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.” (1992)

Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican -born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: “He wants Texas back.” (1981)

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning:”One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?” (1966)

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20 books: “But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet.” (1991)

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: “I’m not allowed to comment on lousy officiating.”(1986)

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: “It’s basically the same, just darker.” (1991)

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: “I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I’d get shot.” (1996)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I told him,’Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.'” (1991)

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.” (1987)


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 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

alcohol

In today’s world, many resort to abusing drugs and alcohol, why are so many becoming addicted and not only destroying their lives but the lives of others around them as well?

 

Your Dog is Dead

A man rushed into the veterinarian’s office carrying his dog, thoroughly distraught. The vet examined the dog’s still, limp body and sadly informed the man that the dog was dead.

Saddened at the loss of his best friend, the man asked the doctor if he could please try one last time to revive the dog.

The doctor stepped into his other room and returned with a cat in a wire cage. He set the cage on the examining table and opened the sliding door.

The cat got up, stretched, stepped out of the cage and slowly walked around the dog from head to tail sniffing the body. When it was finished, it looked up at the veterinarian with a “meow”, walked back into the cage and went back to sleep.

The vet looked at the man and said in his best bedside manner, “I’m sorry, but there is nothing I can do.”

Resigned, the man signed and said, “Thanks for trying. How much do I owe you?”

“Three-hundred fifty dollars,” the doctor replied.

“Thr . . . thr . . .three-hundred fif-fif-fifty bucks to tell me my dog is dead!” the man stammered.

“Well, it was only $50 for the office visit. The other $300 is for the CAT scan.”


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Inspiring Words of Wisdom

Inspiring Words of Wisdom

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks about 2″ in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The students laughed as the professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

“Now,” said the professor, “I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things — your family, your partner,your health, your children — things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff.”

There was total silence as the students absorbed the lesson.

“If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.”

The students started nodding in agreement at the professor’s profound wisdom .

“Take care of the rocks first,” the professor finished — “the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

But then…

A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a bottle of beer –and then another! Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is:

That no matter how full your life is, there is always room for a beer or two.

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No More Animal Testing

No More Animal Testing!

The National Institutes of Health has announced that they will no longer be using lab rats for medical experimentation, since they’ve found a better substitute.

After exhaustive research , researchers have found that lawyers make better experimental subjects.

The top four advantages are:

1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.

2. The medical researchers don’t become as emotionally attached to the attorneys, as sometimes happens with rats.

3. “Animal rights” activists agreed to stop their protests if labs switched.

4. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats just won’t do.

Now you can follow me on Kindle.

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The Blonde Road Painter

The Blonde Painter

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. Her assignment was to paint lines down the center of a rural road.

The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the conditions and starts right away.

The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average!

“Great,” he told her, “I think you’re really going to work out.”

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, “Well she’s still at the average and I don’t want to discourage her, so I’ll just keep quiet.”

The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought he better talk to her before it gets any worse.

The boss pulled the new employee in and says, “You were doing so great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury,equipment failure? What’s keeping you from meeting the 2 mile average?”

“Well,” the blonde replied, “each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket.”

Funny? Follow me on Kindle.

 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

Make money doing what you love

Make money doing what you love

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10 Words that don ‘t exist, but should

10 Words that don’t exist

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar’pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming,of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece of confection(lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow ‘remove’ all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon’iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak’ to man gyu lay’ shun) n. Manhandling the”open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the ‘illegal’ side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay’) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup’kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.

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Oxymorons

Oxymorons

An oxymoron is a combination of two words that are completely opposite in meaning.

45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food

39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt head
26. Military intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Child Proof
21. “Now, then …”
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate

…And the number 1 oxymoron is..
1. Microsoft Works

 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

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The wisdom of our ancestors

The wisdom of our ancestors

There is an extreme shortage of common sense in today’s world,
I often think back to what my parents and grandparents believed

and said, at the time I thought they were totally out of their mind

and ignored it. I now wish I would have listened and

followed their advice more often.
It is in this light I have decided to publish some of my random thoughts based on the views of our ancestors

 

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