Charlie Sheen Jokes

Charlie Sheen

Q: How much cocaine can Charlie Sheen snort?
A: Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

Q: What’s a bigger lie than Lindsay Lohan pleading “Not Guilty”?
A: Charlie Sheen saying he’s sober and a feminist.

Actor Charlie Sheen’s Mercedes was stolen and driven off a cliff. The
car thief didn’t want the car, he just wanted to provide the perfect
metaphor for Charlie Sheen’s career.

Q: What’s the name of the new Charlie Sheen sitcom?
A: Two and a Half Personalities

Q: Why is Charlie Sheen planning a trip to Australia?
A: He wants to watch his career go down the toilet counterclockwise.

Charlie Sheen’s stolen car was found crashed at the bottom of a
cliff. Sheen cleared himself of any involvement by claiming that at the
time of the crime, he was home beating his wife.

Q: Why did LAPD take away Charlie Sheen’s guns?
A: They were hoping it would stop him from shooting his mouth off.

Q: Why does Charlie Sheen say he has “Tiger’s blood”?
A: Because his wife chased after him with a nine iron.

News reports note that Charlie Sheen’s wife was arrested in 1996 for
DUI, then later for cocaine possession. Which answers the question, “So,
how did you guys meet?”

Q: What’s the difference between Charlie Sheen and Leonardo DiCaprio?
A: Charlie knows what’s it really like to be on a sinking ship.

Q: Is it true that the show “Two and a Half Men” will continue without Charlie Sheen?
A: Yes — but they’re renaming it to “Two Men”.

The Hanes underwear company has suspended Charlie Sheen as spokesman.
Sheen will instead become the new spokesman for Fruit-of-the-Loon.

Q: Is in true John Stamos was asked to replace Charlie Sheen on the show “Two and a Half Men”?
A: No. However, Martin Sheen has asked him to be his son.

Q: What is the Groundhog Day tradition for Charlie Sheen?
A: Charlie sticks his head out of his house, and if he sees his drug dealer, we can all count on six more weeks of porn stars.

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My Dog

It just hit me:

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him.

He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the doctor once a year for his check-up, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.

For all this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than
he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess,
someone else cleans it up for him.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me:

My dog is a politician!

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The Ski Trip

Doug decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up
Jack’s mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they
got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and
asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the
night.

“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge
house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I’m
afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don’t worry,” Doug said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and
settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and
they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Doug got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined
that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on
the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
North?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”

Bob’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

“She just died and left me everything.”

(But you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?)

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21st Century Biology

Cyrus asks: “Daddy, where did I come from?”

Dad says: “Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway!” and ponders how to put it in words the lad can understand.

“Well,” he finally says, “you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with
your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.”

“Then what happened?”

“Well, we sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a
download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we
discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was
too late to hit the ESCape key….”

“Then what?” the boy asked.

“Nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: ‘You’ve Got Male!'”

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