Redneck Book of Manners

Tips From The Redneck Book Of Manners

General

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you’re completely certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

3. Belching “to make room for dessert” is frowned upon.

Entertaining In Your Home

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

3. Waking the children to come out so you can show guests “they ain’t got no birth defects” is impolite. (And bringing them out to show guests that they do have them is considered very rude.)

Personal Hygiene

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s own truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. (However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.)

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.

2. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 p.m.; others might say ‘Monday.’ If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

Weddings

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving

1. When sending your date down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to also bring back beer.

2. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

3. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

You can also follow me on your Kindle.

Your comments appreciated

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Ol’ Doc McTavish

Ol’ Doc McTavish

Ol’ Doc McTavish had a slow schedule, and a hankering to go golfing. But by the time he decided to go, his office assistant, Seamus, had already booked three appointments — right in the middle of the day. Doc McTavish came up with a plan.

“Seamus,” he said, “I can’t cancel the appointments, so I want you to see the three patients.”

“Yes, sir!” the always obedient Seamus replied.

The doctor has a great round of golf, and then rushes back to the office to see how things went.

“How did things go?” the anxious medic asks his assistant.

“The first patient had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol.”

“Bravo, and the second one?” asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir,” says Seamus.

“Excellent! You’re good at this! And what about the third one?” he asks.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a beautiful young woman burst through. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything, and she lay down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: ‘HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'”

“Fierce, Seamus!” said the astounded doctor. “What did ye do? for that one?”

“I gave her eye drops!”

Into the wild

Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

You can also follow me on your Kindle.

Your comments appreciated

The wisdom of our ancestors

The wisdom of our ancestors

There is an extreme shortage of common sense in today’s world,
I often think back to what my parents and grandparents believed and said, at the time I thought they were totally out of their mind and ignored it. I now wish I would have listened and followed their advice more often.
It is in this light I have decided to publish some of my random thoughts based on the views of our ancestors.

Photography Prints

Santa was a Guy

Santa Claus Was Definitely a
Man

Here’s why: First, Christmas would be late
every year. The line at the
department store would never move because Santa would feel the need to
‘bond’ with every kid that sat on her lap. The elves would never get any
toys made because they’d be too busy telling her, “No Santa, those red
pants don’t make your butt look fat.” Also, Christmas comes at the end of
the month but I have never heard the REAL Santa complain about cramps
or feeling
all bloaty.

What woman would be even caught dead in a chimney? Gosh, she might
break a nail in there. And what about Santa’s beard? I’m sure you’ll agree
most women look significantly better without facial hair (unless they’re
total
schnauzers).

If Santa was female, she sure wouldn’t have white hair. She’d be down
at
the North Pole Super-X every other day buying a gallon of ‘Clairol Brunette
# whatever’. Plus, women don’t smoke pipes. Also, the sleigh and the
reindeer are not equipped with an automatic transmission, a cell phone or
vanity mirrors. I find it hard to believe a female Santa could whip a
reindeer to get it moving. It’s a widely-known fact coochie-coochie talk
doesn’t work with reindeer.

A female Santa would only bring junk like ‘Easy Bake’ ovens, Baby
‘Puke
‘n Crap’, and worst of all – CLOTHES – to all the little boys in the world
because those items aren’t as threatening as the really cool toys like
‘Johnny Thermo-nuclear Warhead’ or ‘Rock-em Sock-em Robots’ or ‘Creepy
Crawlers’.

And when you leave a plate of cookies out on the kitchen table on
Christmas Eve, Santa judiciously takes a bite from each one to prove he was
there. If Santa was a woman, the whole box of Snackwells would be devoured
and there’d be a sea of empty Ben & Jerry’s containers all over the
kitchen
floor.

And if all that doesn’t prove without a doubt that Santa is a guy,
consider this verse from the poem: T’was The Night Before
Christmas:

“He spoke not a word but went straight to his
work…”

If Santa was female, that line would have
read:

“She wouldn’t shut up, so Christmas was postponed
indefinitely…”

Yep, Santa’s a guy alright, as are most mythical holiday
characters.

Receive jokes several times a week on your Kindle.

Art Prints

The Priest, the Minister and the Rabbi

The Catholic, the Baptist, and the Jew

A Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, and a Rabbi want to see which of them is best at his job. They decide each will go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

A few days later they get together as agreed, and the priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

The other two murmur their agreement that he did a very good job.

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the Baptist, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him!”

The other two murmur their agreement that he did a very good job.

They both look down at the Rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “You know, looking back,” the Rabbi says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision….”

Spiritual activism

Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

You can also follow me on your Kindle.

Your comments appreciated

Make money doing what you love

Make money doing what you love

This informative Ebook describes alternative methods of making money ,often a full time income in photography even if you have no desire to shoot wedding photography. this book gives examples and websites where you can use your photos to supply you with an income, not only to enable you to buy new equipment, but a living income as well.

 

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Tourists Complaints

Tourist Complaints

Since 1841, Britain’s Thomas Cook Tours has been leading travelers on new adventures. But not everyone ends up happy. There are supposedly true complaints registered with the travel agency.

1. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”

2. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.”

3. “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”

4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.”

5. A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a water hole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel “inadequate”.

6. A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she’d been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the “do not disturb” sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

7. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”

8. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”

9. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

10. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax. “

11. “We bought ‘Ray-Ban’ sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.”

12. “No one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”

13. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”

14. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”

15. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.”

16. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”

17. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”

18. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort.’ We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.”

19. “There were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”

20. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”

21. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”

22. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”

23. “My fiancé and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”

Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

 

You can also follow me on your Kindle.

Your comments appreciated

 

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Exercise More and Eat Less

Exercise More and Eat Better

Now that I’m over 70, the doctor wants me to come in for frequent checkups. I don’t know why, though: he always says the same thing. “You need to eat better and exercise more! Walking and swimming are especially good for you.” Worse, he wants me to cut out steak for fish and vegetables, and cut out beer for water.

That depressed me to no end. But I decided to think about it.

Well, I thought about it for hours, and here’s what I came up with.

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks lots of water — and “a whale” is what hugely fat people are called (by the insensitive boors, that is — not by me!)

A rabbit runs and hops and enjoys each day, and only eats vegetables — and a rabbit only lives for 15 years, tops.

But a tortoise doesn’t run around. It does practically nothing. Yet it lives for 450 years.

And he tells me to exercise and change my diet? I don’t think so! From now on, I’m not coming out of my house

Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

You can also follow me on your Kindle.

Your comments appreciated

Photography Prints

The Chicken and the Horse

The Chicken and the Horse

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Harley motorcycle. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. The chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse. Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon he too began to sink. He cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking down underneath he told the chicken to grab his junk and he would lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story (and you know there is one!)?

When you’re hung like a horse you don’t need a Harley to pick up chicks

Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

 

You can also follow me on your Kindle.

Your comments appreciated

 

Art Prints

You are what you eat

You Are What You Eat

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

“But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

He noticed one man in the front row nodding knowingly.

“Yes?” the doctor says, asking the man to speak aloud.

The man replied, in a loud voice: “Wedding cake.”

Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.journeysthrulife.com

You can also follow me on your Kindle.

Your comments appreciated

Art Prints

The First Day of School

First Day of Class

The teacher says to her new class, “For our first lesson, each of you will stand up, tell us your name, say what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Billy. You go first.”

 

Billy stands up and says, “My name’s Billy. My father’s a lawyer, l-a-w-y-e-r, and he defends people in court.”

The teacher says, “Very good. All right, Benjamin.”

Benjamin stands up and says, “My name’s Benjamin. My father’s a pharmacist, f-a-m… f-a-r-n… f-n….”

The teacher says, “Benjamin, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. Angelo, you’re next.”

Angelo stands up and says, “My name’s Angelo. My old man’s a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he’d give you even-money odds Benjamin ain’t spellin’ pharmacist by tomorrow.”

Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

 

You can also follow me on your Kindle.

Your comments appreciated

 

Photography Prints

Yogiisms


Yogiisms

A “Yogiism” is an odd saying attributed to baseball catcher Lawrence “Yogi” Berra (still alive: he’s 88). He often mangled sentences when speaking to reporters, so they were often recorded or quickly jotted down. But Yogi once defended himself by saying, “I really didn’t say everything I said.

On baseball: “Ninety percent of the game is half mental.”

 

“Nobody goes there anymore. It’s too crowded.”

“When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”

“I knew the record would stand until it was broken.”

“It’s déjà vu all over again.” (after seeing Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris repeatedly hit back-to-back home runs in the early 1960s)

“You can observe a lot by watching.”

“If people don’t want to come to the ballpark how are you going to stop them?”

“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t go to yours.”

“I looked like this when I was young, and I still do.”

“If you ask me a question I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.”

“If you can’t imitate him, don’t copy him.”

“It gets late early out there.”

Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature, landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt, the Canary Islands, much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hardcover and Ebooks, and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

 

You can also follow me on your Kindle.

Your comments appreciated

 

Photography Prints

 

alcohol

In today’s world, many resort to abusing drugs and alcohol, why are so many becoming addicted and not only destroying their lives but the lives of others around them?