Smart Appliances

Smart
Appliances

With plans in full swing for the appliances
of tomorrow–from
networked water heaters to refrigerators that order groceries–
we consumers must prepare for the inevitability of these sci-fi
devices in our everyday lives.


But smart appliances may do more than save time. Our top ten
reasons to dread them:

1. Over the limit: The bathroom scale keeps telling the fridge
to stop ordering food.

2. Tattle snooze: Your smart pillow talks to your PC, which
emails your boss with a message that, yep, you’ve overslept
again.

3. Brand name: Not only does your stovetop grill know when
steak is cooked to your exact specifications, but it sears a
nice flying Windows logo onto each side.

4. Buying on spec: Sunglasses combine UV protection with real-
time stock quotes, but laugh maniacally when you approach
margin calls.

5. Car talk: Your dashboard computer insists on making blonde
jokes about your driving.

6. Rotten sense of humor: The perky “kitchen assistant,” an
animated onscreen spatula, keeps calling your mobile phone
and asking, “Is your refrigerator running?”

7. Lack of privacy: Your mailbox keeps asking why you get so
many plain brown packages.

8. No dim bulbs: Your lamps are so full of bright ideas you
have to pay for their MENSA memberships.

9. High maintenance: Your appliances secretly open a joint bank
account for repairman kickbacks.

10. Anticompetitive practices: Your Microsoft coffeemaker
monopolizes the countertop.

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It’s Not a Good Computer If

It’s Not a Good Computer
If…

The lower corner of screen has the words
“Etch-a-sketch” on it.

*


In order to start it you need some jumper cables
and a friend’s car.

*
The “quick reference” manual is 120 pages
long.

*
Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your
neighborhood start

howling.

*
The screen often displays the message, “Ain’t
it break time yet?”

*
The manual contains only one sentence: “Good
Luck!”

*
The only chip inside is a
Dorito.

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Fluid Joint

If Life Was Like A Computer

If Only Life Could Be Like a
Computer

If you messed up your life, you could press
“Ctrl, Alt, Delete” and
start all over!
*
To get your daily exercise, just click on “run”!

*
If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.
*
Hit “any key” to continue life when ready.
*
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound
blaster.
*
To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control
panel.
*
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display
settings.
*
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
*
When you loose your car keys, click on find.
*
“Help” with the chores is just a click away.
*
Auto insurance wouldn’t be necessary.
You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.

And, we could click on “SEND NOW” and a Pizza would be on
it’s way
to YOU.

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Today I will be Online

I Don’t Wanna

I don’t wanna do the dishes
I don’t wanna do the wash
I sprinkled clothes a week ago
And now my iron is lost!!


I don’t wanna rattle pots
I don’t wanna rattle pans
I see the mail light flashin’
I wanna chat with friends!!

Oh the tables need some dustin’
and the floor could sure be mopped
But I know if I get started
there’ll be no place to stop

The closets are so full
things are falling off the shelves
I wish for cleaning fairies
and magic little elves.

They could sprinkle fairy dust
and twitch their little nose
The windows would be sparkling
I would have no dirty clothes

Oh I know that I’m just dreamin’
My head is in the sky
I must cook that meat that’s greying
and bake that apple pie

The Hubby needs a bath
Doggy needs attention
Oh.. the other way around I mean
my brain is in suspension

I am runnin’ round in circles
I am gettin’ nothin’ done,
I keep thinking of my web
I am missing all the fun!!!

Well I know I’m not addicted
though I hear that all the time
But I guess this stuff can wait on me
Cause Today I’ll Be On Line!!!

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Let us scan your old photos, before they fade away

Husband 1.0


Husband 1.0

Dear Tech
support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed that the new program began making unexpected
changes to the accounting software, severely limiting
access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications
that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention
of this phenomenon was included in the product
brochure.


In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable
programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and
OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such
as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and
ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs,
and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances
will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning
2.6.

I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but
this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can

you help please?!?!

Jane

Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but
is mostly due to a primary misconception.

Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT
package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and
was designed by its creator to run as few applications as
possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return
to Boyfriend 5.0 , because Husband 1.0 is not designed
to do this.

Hidden operating files within your system would cause
Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program
files from the system, once installed.

Any new program files can only be installed once per year,
as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages
are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation
to play some of their “old time” favorite applications, or
to get new applications to work, some women have tried to
install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women
end up with more problems than encountered with Husband
1.0.


Look in your manual under “Warnings: Divorce/Child Support”.
You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and
comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3.

I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks
of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0
installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire
section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This
is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed
by the parent company as an integral part of the operating
system.

Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults
and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this
great feature enter the command “C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME”
Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering
the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications
Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can
create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU
may have to give a C:\>I APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause
Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet,
Beer 6.0.

Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to
create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are
very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following
this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the
blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can
only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran.
Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance.
I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience
10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help
keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.


After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar
and you will find many valuable embedded features such as
FixesBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend
7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances,
install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application,
and will cause selective shut down of the operating system.
Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until
MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have
helped.

Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at
Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We
trust you will learn to fully enjoy this
product!”

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Mr. Beer - Makes a great gift!

A High Tech Prayer

A Hi-Tech
Prayer

As I boot up my PC,
my modem dialing next to me,

I ask the Lord, give me a sign….
Will I ever get on-line?????

If you’d kindly let me
through,
I’ll byte no more than I can chew.

I’ll surf the waves amid the Net,
with my mouse, my loyal pet.

And through each window
I will see
the websites that are offered me.

Resisting any chat room’s
lure,
I’ll download only what is pure.

If system errors don’t
prevail,
I vow to read all my e-mail.

If you save me from a crash,
I’ll dump my games into the trash.

Just please don’t take my CD-ROM!
Thank you Lord, God Bless.com.

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Computers: The Cup Holder

The Cup Holder

Caller: “Hello, is this Tech
Support?”

Tech: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”


Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within
my warranty period. How do I go about getting that
fixed?”

Tech: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup
holder?”

Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my
computer.”

Tech: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped.It’s because
I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade
show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any
trademark on it?”

Caller: “It came with my computer. I don’t know anything
about a promotional. It just has ‘4X’ on it.”

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because
he couldn’t stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller
had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a
cup holder and snapped it off the drive.

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The Popcorn Factory

God, Moses, and the Computer


God, Moses and the
Computer

“Excuse me, sir.”

“Is that you again, Moses?”

“I’m afraid it is, sir.”

“What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?”

“How did you guess?”

“I don’t have to guess, Moses. Remember?”

“Oh, yeah. I forgot.”

“Tell me what you want, Moses.”

“But you already know. Remember?”

“Moses!”

“Sorry, sir.”

“Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!”

“Well, I have a question, sir. You know those ten things you sent
me.”

“You mean the commandments, Moses?”

“That’s it. I was wondering if they were important.”

“What do you mean ‘were important’, Moses? Of course, they are
important. Otherwise I wouldn’t have sent them to you.”

“Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of
course you would see right through that.”

“What do you mean ‘you lost them’! Are you trying to tell me you
didn’t
save them, Moses?”

“No, sir. I forgot.”

“Well, My Son always saves, Moses.”

“Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot.
I did send them to some people before I lost them though.”

“And did you hear back from any of them?”

“You already know I did.”

“What about the one guy who said he never uses ‘shalt not’.
Can he change the words a little bit?”

“Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn’t change the meaning.”

“And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh
and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions or letting people
pick one or two to try for a while?”

“Moses, I’ll act like I didn’t hear that.”

“I think that means, ‘no’. Well, what about the guy who said I was
scamming him?”

“I think that is spamming, Moses.”

“Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don’t even eat that
stuff
and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer.”

“And what he did say?”

“You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don’t think
he
might have sent me one of those plagues and that’s the reason I lost
those ten things, do you?”

“They’re called viruses, Moses.”

“Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just
go
back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out
and reading them each day, but I never lost them.”

“We’ll do it the new way, Moses.”

“I was afraid you would say that, sir.”

“Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?”

“You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the
computer.”

“It’s a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?”

“No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all,
who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like
your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice
on the ark?”

“No, Moses.”

“One other thing. Why didn’t you name them frogs instead of mice,
because didn’t you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?”

“I didn’t name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog
if you want to.”

“Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman
told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn’t it a woman who named
one of the computers Apple?”

“Say goodnight, Moses.”

“Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse and it seems to
be
working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back.”

Which ones are they, Moses?”

“Let’s see. ‘Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image’ and
‘Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor’s wife.'”

“Turn the computer off, Moses. I’m sending you another set of stone
tablets. How does ‘Same Day Air’ sound?”

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Computer Joke

Flying Around

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle
when
an electrical malfunction disabled all of the
aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications
equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot
could not determine the helicopter’s position and
course to fly to the airport.


The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it,
circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in
the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign said
“WHERE AM I?” in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to
the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a
building window. Their sign read:

“YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map,
determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport,
and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked
the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign
helped determine their position.

The pilot responded “I knew that had to be the
MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically
correct, but completely useless answer.”

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Summer Drive Promotion

Computer Viruses

Computer
Viruses

Kenneth Starr
Virus:
Competely examines every aspect of your computer,
then compiles a complex report that discredits every
aspect of your computer.


Ronald Reagan Virus:
Saves your data, but forgets where it is
stored.

Mike Tyson Virus:
Quits after two bytes.
Spits everything out.

Oprah Winfrey Virus:
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB,
then slowly expands to 200 MB.

Titanic Virus:
Your whole computer goes down.

Disney Virus:
Everything in your computer goes Goofy.

Prozac Virus:
Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn’t
care.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus:
Terminates zome viles, leaves, but it vill be
baaack.

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