Puns

Some Puns

An Indian Success Story
Old Chief Gnarled Oak, was turned into a millionaire by
the discovery of oil on his reservation. He fell into the
yuppie temptation, and he was particularly proud and
pleased when his two boys were accepted into the swanky
yacht club. For years, it seemed, his one consuming
ambition was to see … his red sons in the sail set.
(By Bennett Cerf)

The Panhandler
A panhandler was caught trying to sneak aboard a Princess
liner about to embark on a three-day trip to the Bahamas.
He was caught by the Purser who threw him off the ship
telling him, …Beggars can’t be cruisers.

The General’s Funeral
The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington
National Cemetery. All the air lines were booked and there were no
other planes available. Someone came up with the idea of using a
helicopter. It arrived at 5:00 A.M. The newspapers reported the
incident with the headlines, … “The Whirly Bird Gets The
Urn”

The Tilde
As has been pointed out, that “~” thing is called a “tilde:. Walt
Whitman was one of the most avid advocates of it’s usage, and until
his death he devoted untold hours making others aware of it’s
potential. So today, as I use that little button on the upper left of
my keyboard, I often feel like … Walt’s in my tilde.

Indecision
The confused young man couldn’t decide whether to marry Kathryn or
Edith. Try as he might, he just could not make up his mind. Unwilling
to give up either, he strung them along for far too long. This
indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation
and left him for good. Moral of the story: … You can’t have your
Kate and Edith, too. (By Bennett Cerf)

New Coin
A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent
piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one
side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt, on the other, Nathan
Hale. Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the
official replied, … “Now, when you have a coin toss, you can simply
call “Teds, or Hales!”

Moonlighting
Two contestants on a TV game show were in the final round. Mr. Cohn
was way ahead of Mr. Schine, but just as the buzzer was rung, Schine
slipped ahead, and won! When asked what prize he wanted, Mr. Schine
stated that he wanted a horse. The game show host asked why, and was
told, “I want a horse so I can name it ‘Harvest Moon.'” Then, I can
have a portrait painted, and call it … “Schine on Harvest
Moon.”

The Wedding Gift
A female snake charmer was wooed by an undertaker and accepted his
offer of marriage. They received many gifts at the wedding but their
favorite was a set of towels embroidered with the words…. “hiss and
hearse”

The Coal Miner
A news item this morning was about a local coal miner. It seems
that
his avocation was painting, but since he couldn’t afford to buy
canvasses he simply painted on the wall of his small cottage.
Unfortunately, a gang of youths broke into his cottage earlier this
week and defaced his paintings. Yesterday the young miscreants were
charged in court with having … “corrupted the murals of a
miner.”

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The stage

The Stage

During a performance for the high school
drama class at the local
theatre, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed
to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins,
accidentally stepped through the hole up to his
knee.

He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in
the
back of the theatre shouted:

“Don’t worry, Freddy! It’s just a stage you’re going
through!”

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Wisdom from Seniors

Wisdom From
Seniors

When did my wild oats turn to prunes and
all bran?
*
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling
apart.
*
Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.
*
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
*
If all is not lost, where is it?
*
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
*
The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop
digging.
*
I tried to get a life once, But they told me they were out of
stock.
*
I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway
though.
*
It was so different before everything changed.
*
Some day’s you’re the dog, and some day’s you’re the
hydrant.
*
Nostalgia isn’t what it use to be.
*
Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay
resident.
*
A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
*
I wish the buck stopped here! I could use a few.
*
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat
cause
kids.
*
It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop at
the end.
*
It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been
anywhere.
*
Living on Earth is expensive, But it does include a trip around the
sun.
*
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if your in the
bathroom.
*
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my
knees.
*
Never knock on death’s door, ring the bell and run (he hates
that).
*
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way
myself).
*
When you are finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else
decide to play chess.
*
If you are living on the edge, make sure your wearing your
seatbelt.
*
There are two kinds of pedestrians. The quick and the
dead.
*
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other
toys.
*
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
*
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
die.
*
Its not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.
*
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better
attorney.
*
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the
depth.

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Nate and Sam

Nate and Sam

While hiking in the woods, Nate and Sam found
this huge rock which
had an old iron lever attached to it. Etched into the rock was the
following inscription:

“If this lever is pulled, the world will come to an
end!”

Nate wanted to pull the lever and see what would happen, but Sam,
being a paranoid pessamist, greatly feared this! He said to Nate that
if he tried to pull the lever, he’d shoot him! In a daring attempt, Nate
lunged for the lever, and sure enough, Sam shot him! What is
the moral of this story?

Better Nate than lever!

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Words to live by

Words to Live
By

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have
a perception problem.
*

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights make a
left.
*

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain
whales?
*

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
*

I’m not just a gardener, I’m a Plant Manager.
*

My reality check bounced.
*

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
*

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
*

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they
make when they go flying by.
*

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
*

There are two rules for ultimate success in life: 1. Never tell
everything you know.
*

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without
it.

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Lorraine

Lorraine

There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called
Lorraine. She very
pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find that a
new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she
was absolutely gorgeous.

He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she
was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn’t
get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with
Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up
with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to
tell Lorraine but he couldn’t bring himself to do
it.

One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped
and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she
drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling
and
singing…………

“I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone…”

Planet Earth as You’ve Never Seen it Before

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 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

Make money doing what you love

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Things to Ponder

Things to
Ponder

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard
shift?
*
How do a fool and his money GET together?
*
How do you know when it’s time to tune your
bagpipes?
*
How is it that a building burns up as it burns
down?
*
If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a
thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
*
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
*
In a country of free speech, why are there phone
bills?
*
How come there aren’t B batteries?
*
How do “Do not walk on the grass” signs get there?
*
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
*
How is it possible to have a civil war?
*
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience
sitting?
*
If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
*
If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting
wet?
*
How can there be self-help “groups”?
*
How do you know honesty is the best policy until you have tried
some of the others?
*
How does a Thermos know if the drink should be hot or
cold?
*
What happens to an 18-hour bra after 18 hours?
*
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
*
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
*
What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it’s all about?

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The Years best Headlines

The Year’s Best
Headlines

Include Your Children when Baking
Cookies
*
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
*
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
*
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
*
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
*
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
*
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
*
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
*
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout
Counter
*
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a
While
*
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
*
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
*
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
*
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
*
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
*
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
*
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

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The Custodian

The Custodian

A friend and I were standing inside a building
of a local theme park. We
were looking outside, and it was an extremely windy day. The area’s
custodian, the one who had the job of sweeping up debris, was a very
small woman (4’10”, 90 lbs.) and she was having a rough time trying
to not be blown away.

My friend joked with the lady, telling
her that she would have to put
heavy rocks in her shoes when she went outside to work.

The lady looked at my friend and lisped,
“You mean, … now I weigh me
down to sweep?”

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