The Hills are Alive

The Hills of
Transylvania

Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing
in
Europe; as it happens, in Transylvania.

They’re driving a rental car along a rather deserted
highway. It’s late, and raining very hard. Bob can
barely see 10 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts
to control the car, but to no avail. The car swerves
and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes
his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the
passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious,
with her head bleeding.

Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows
he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging
down the road. After a short while, he sees a light.
He heads towards the light, which is coming from an
old, large house. He approaches the door and
knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the
door. Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob
Hill, and this is my wife, Betty. We’ve been in a terrible
accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I
please use your phone??”

“I’m sorry,” replies the hunchback, “but we don’t have a
phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will get
him.”

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the
stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I
am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. However, it is
many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic
medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them
down to the laboratory.”

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs,
with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table
in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own
injuries; so Igor places Bob on an adjoining
table.

After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried.
“Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a
transfusion.”

Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail.
Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills’ deaths upsets Igor’s master greatly. Wearily,
he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses
his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found
solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting
melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music
fills the lab, his eyes catch movement. He notices the
fingers on Betty Hill’s hand twitch.

Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise! He is
further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to
contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:

(Don’t page down unless you have a strong
stomach…)
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You sure you want to know?
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O.K. You asked for it……
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“Master, Master!… The Hills are alive with the sound of
music!”

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Oh What a Knight

Oh What a
Knight!

There were three medieval kingdoms on the
shores of a lake.
There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the
kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three
kings decided that they would send their knights out to do
battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night before the battle, the knights and their squires
pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first
kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of
whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking
food.

The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10
squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for
battle.

At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one
knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung
it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself
preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.

When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their
squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the
knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust
cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third
kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms,
thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal
to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

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The Necktie

The Necktie

A guy goes into a restaurant and lounge,
his shirt
open at the collar, but is stopped by a bouncer who tells
him he must wear a necktie to get in.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for
a tie and discovers that he just doesn’t have one. He sees
a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties
these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly
acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle
free.

He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully
looks him over for a few minutes and then says, “Well,
okay, I guess you can come in — just don’t start
anything.”

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The Wizard

The Wizard

So there’s this Wizard who worked in a factory.
Everything was
satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his
good nature, would steal his parking spot.

This continued until he put up the following
sign:

“This parking space belongs to the Wizard. … Violators will be
toad.”

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Three Puns

Three Puns

Q. What time did the Chinese man go to the
dentist?
A. Tooth hurty.
*
Q. What do you call a psychic dwarf that just escaped from prison?
A. A small Medium at large.
*
Q. What do you call 100 singing idiots drinking diet soda and eating
fruit?
A. The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.

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The Ultimate Groaner

The Ultimate
Groaner

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.
The doctor comes in and
informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son
is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can,
with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad
orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar
patrons
looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the
boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of
joy.

The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant
“Take another drink”! The bartender still shakes his head in
dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to
drink
again. The patrons chant “Take another drink”! The bartender ignores
the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches
down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of
it.

Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully
thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left….
then to the right…. right through the front door, into the street, where
a
truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in
grief.

The bartender sighs and says, “That boy should have quit while he
was still a head.”

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The Throne

The Throne

An African chief heard stories about kings
that sat on thrones. So he had
one built for him out of ivory. He had his men set it outside his hut’s
door every morning and there he sat to reign over his “kingdom.” He sent
out raiding parties to subdue other tribes and forced them to bring
expensive offerings to him.

Other chiefs thought it was the throne that gave him this power. So
one
chief made a raid and took off with the throne. Then HE was the one
everyone had to give expensive gifts to. Chief after chief captured the
throne and made like kings.

Finally, the original chief got the throne back. This time, he hid
it. He
had his men put heavy-duty rafters in his grass-thatched hut and built an
attic. They hoisted the throne up into the attic. He remained king because
raiding parties could not find the throne.

One day the chief was sitting in his hut. Suddenly there was a terrible
cracking sound above his head and the throne broke through the rafters
and
fell smack on top of the chief, killing him
instantly.

The moral of this story:
People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

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Sayings that should be on buttons

Sayings That Should Be on
Buttons

Well, this day was a total waste of
makeup.
*
Make yourself at Home! Clean my kitchen.
*
Who are these kids and why are they calling me
Mom?
*
Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever
after.
*
This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent
lighting.
*
I started out with nothing and still have most of it
left.
*
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
*
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
*
You! Off my planet
*
Bottomless pit of needs and wants.
*
Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that
way.
*
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
*
Errors have been made. Others will be
blamed.
*
If only you’d used your powers for good instead of
evil.
*
Allow me to introduce my selves.
*
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
*
Better living through denial.
*
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets
after them.
*
I’m just working here until a food fast-food job opens
up.
*
I’m trying to imagine you with a
personality.
*
I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil
one.
*
Don’t worry. I forgot your name too!
*
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
*
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
*
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
*
Everyone thinks I’m psychotic, except for my friends deep inside
the earth.
*
Earth is full. Go home.
*
I thought I wanted a career . . . turns out I just wanted
paychecks.
*
How do I set a laser printer to stun?

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This and that

Of This And That
#2

The boss came early in the morning one day and
found his manager
kissing
his secretary. He shouted at him, “Is this what I pay you for?”
The manager replied: “No, sir, this I do free of charge.”
*

A wife, one evening, drew her husband’s attention to the couple next
door
and said, “Do you see that couple? How devoted they are?
He kisses her every time they meet. Why don’t you do that?”
“I would love to,” replied the husband, “but I don’t know her well
enough.”
*

A priest, seeing a blank signboard hanging on a lamppost wrote upon
it:
“I pray for all.”
A Solicitor wrote underneath: “I plead for all.”
A doctor added: “I prescribe for all.”
A simple citizen wrote: “I pay for all.”
*

Wife : you delivered an excellent speech.
Hubby : Thanks dear, but the audience was full of fools & idiots.
Wife : Is that why you addressed them as your brothers &
sisters?
*

After a dinner speech, the speaker scolded his secretary:
“Why did you write such a long speech for me? You saw how those
people were feeling bored!” The secretary replied, “Sir, it wasn’t a
lengthy speech at all; but I did make one mistake- I gave you all 3
copies of the speech.”
*

A Rotary visitor to Japan told a joke lasting 2 minutes.
The interpreter then translated using only a few words. Everyone
laughed. Afterwards the visitor asked the interpreter how he
translated such a long joke so quickly. “Well, I didn’t think
they would get the point, so I said, “Our guest has just told
a joke. Everyone please laugh.”
*

A man with a banana stuck in his ear and a green bean stuffed up
each nostril walks into the doctor’s office.
The doctor looks at him and asks what he can do for him.
“Doctor, I just haven’t been feeling well lately.”
“Well, I can see you are not eating right.

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This and That

Of This And
That

Dad: Son, what do you want for your
birthday?
Son: Just a radio, dad, with a sports car around it.
*

The girl asked her lover, “Darling, if we get engaged will you
give me a ring?”
“Sure, ” replied her lover “What’s your phone number?”
*

Young Man: Would you like to dance with me?
Young Woman: Do you expect me to dance with a baby!
Young Man: I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you were pregnant.
*

If a man is bald at the front, he is a thinker. If he is bald at the
back, he is sexy. If he is bald from front to back – he thinks he is
sexy.
*

A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, “I heard you died.” “But
you
see I’m alive ,” smiled the friend. “Impossible,” said the psychiatrist.
“The man who told me is much more reliable than you.”
*

A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked,
“Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?” “Yes, of course,”
said the doctor, “why not!”
“Oh! How nice it would be ,” said the patient with joy, “I have been
illiterate for so long.”
*

“I have a bad headache. I’ll visit the doctor.”
“Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a
big kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why don’t you try it?”
“Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I’ll be right
over.”
*

Court scene:
1st Lawyer: You’re a fool
2nd Lawyer: And you’re a damn fool.
Judge : As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can
we now proceed with the case.

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alcohol

In today’s world, many resort to abusing drugs and alcohol, why are so many becoming addicted and not only destroying their lives but the lives of others around them as well?