Resumes

The following quotations were taken from
resumes
from all over the country. With all the work and care that goes into
writing these documents, it’s funny, if unfortunate, when errors slip
through to the final draft. Alas, such mistakes make exactly the
wrong impression on exactly the wrong
people.

“I am very
detail-oreinted.”

“I have a bachelorette degree in
computers.”

“Graduated in the top 66% of my class.”

“Served as assistant sore manager.”

“Married, eight children. Prefer frequent
travel.”

“Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can
make great lattes.”

“I can play well with others.”

“I have exhaustive experience in
manufacturing.”

“Special skills: I’ve got a Ph.D. in human
feelings.”

“My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I
had.”

“I eat computers for lunch.”

“I have used lots of software
appilcations.”

“Objection: To utilize my skills in
sales.”

“Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for
years.”

“Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice
president’s girlfriend could steal my job.”

“Previous experience: Self-employed — a
fiasco.”

“I am a pit bull when it comes to
analysis.”

“I am the king of accounts payable
reconciliation.”

“Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led normadic
lifestyle.”

“Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning
to the word ‘paranoia.’ I prefer to elaborate
privately.”

“Reason for leaving last job: Bounty hunting was outlaw in my
state.”

“My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes
offend.”

“I love dancing and throwing parties.”

“I am quick at typing, about 25 words per
minute.”

“I am a rabid typist.”

“Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine.”

“Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining
composer.”

“Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.”

“Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that
arouse.”

“Education: College, August 1880 – May
1984.”

“Experience with: LBM-compatible
computers.”

“Fortunately because of stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care
ward.”

“Typing Speed: 756 wpm.”

“Objectives: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal
income taxes and tax laws.”

“Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are
usually inseparable.”

“Personal Qualities: Outstanding worker; flexible 24
hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a
year.”

“My experience in horticulture is
well-rooted.”

“Work History: Performed brain wave tests,
1879-1981.”

“Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my
head!”

“I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy,
and
expertise.”

“Personal: Married 20 years; own a home, along with a friendly
mortgage company.”

“My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels,
and my ability to complete projects on time is
unspeakable.”

“Exposure to German for two years, but many words are
inappropriate for business.”

“Frequent Lecturer: Largest Audience: 1,351. Standing
Ovations: 5. Number of Audience Questions: 30.”

“Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high
school.”

“My fortune cookie said, ‘Your next interview will result
in a job’ — and I like your company in
particular.”

“Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory;
effective management skills; and very good at
math.”

“Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground
up using my father-in-law.”

Get your chuckles on Kindle.

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