Sarah and the Mailbox

Sarah and the
Mailbox

Sarah went to her mail box several times
before it was even time for
the mailman to make his rounds.

A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she
was
waiting for a special delivery.

Her reply: “My computer keeps telling me I have
mail”.

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What Your Computer is Telling You

What Your Computer Is Trying to Tell
You

It says: “Press Any Key”
It means: “Press any key you like, but I’m not
going to do anything.”


It says: “Fatal Error. Please contact technical
support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E”
It means: “… where you will be kept on hold for 10
minutes, only to be told that it’s a hardware
problem.”

It says: “Installing program to C:\….”
It means: “… And I’ll also be writing a few files
into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you’ll
NEVER find them.”

It says: “Please insert disk 11”
It means: “Because I know very well there are only
10 disks.”

It says: “Not enough memory
It means: “I don’t CARE if you’ve got 64MB of RAM, I
want to use the bit below 640K.”

It says: “Cannot read from drive D:….”
It means: “… However, if you put the CD in right
side up…”

It says: “Please Wait….”
It means: “… Indefinitely.”

It says: “Directory does not exist….”
It means: “…. any more. Whoops.”

It says: “The application caused an error. Choose
Ignore or Close.”
It means: “….Makes no difference to me, you’re
still not getting your work back.”

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Things You Don’t Want to Hear From Tech Support

Things You Don’t Want to Hear From a Tech
Support

“Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick
handy?”
*
“That’s right, not even McGyver could fix it.”

*
“So — what are you wearing?”
*
“Duuuuuude! Bummer!”
*
“Looks like you’re gonna need some new dilithium crystals,
Cap’n.”
*
“Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you’re with 60
Minutes. Press 3 if you’re with the FTC.”
*
“We can fix this, but you’re gonna need a butter
knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.”
*
“In layman’s terms, we call that the Hindenburg
Effect.”
*
“Hold on a second… Mom! Timmy’s hitting me!”
*
“Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics.”
*
“Please hold for Mr. Gates’ attorney.”

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The Technically Challenged

The Technologically
Challenged

1. Compaq is considering changing the command
“Press Any Key” to Press
Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key
is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
hard to
control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag
the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes.
A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies
of the floppies.

4. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
back in
the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and
was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close
the door to his room.

5. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer
to fax
anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered
the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the
monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.

6. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard
no longer
worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and
soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them
individually.

7. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because
his computer had told him he was “bad and an invalid.” The tech explained
that the computer’s “bad command” and “invalid” responses shouldn’t be
taken
personally.

8. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents.
He told
the technician that the computer had said it “couldn’t find printer.” The
user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but
that
his computer still couldn’t “see” the printer.

9. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get
her new
Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the
technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her
response, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens. “
The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s
mouse.

10. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and
sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what
happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, “What power
switch?”

11. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang
for
support. “I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the
second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in
the third disk, I couldn’t even fit it in…” The user hadn’t realized
that
“Insert Disk 2” meant to remove Disk 1 first.

12. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions
for
installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its
cover
and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of
the
disk and wondered why there were problems.

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Smart Appliances

Smart
Appliances

With plans in full swing for the appliances
of tomorrow–from
networked water heaters to refrigerators that order groceries–
we consumers must prepare for the inevitability of these sci-fi
devices in our everyday lives.


But smart appliances may do more than save time. Our top ten
reasons to dread them:

1. Over the limit: The bathroom scale keeps telling the fridge
to stop ordering food.

2. Tattle snooze: Your smart pillow talks to your PC, which
emails your boss with a message that, yep, you’ve overslept
again.

3. Brand name: Not only does your stovetop grill know when
steak is cooked to your exact specifications, but it sears a
nice flying Windows logo onto each side.

4. Buying on spec: Sunglasses combine UV protection with real-
time stock quotes, but laugh maniacally when you approach
margin calls.

5. Car talk: Your dashboard computer insists on making blonde
jokes about your driving.

6. Rotten sense of humor: The perky “kitchen assistant,” an
animated onscreen spatula, keeps calling your mobile phone
and asking, “Is your refrigerator running?”

7. Lack of privacy: Your mailbox keeps asking why you get so
many plain brown packages.

8. No dim bulbs: Your lamps are so full of bright ideas you
have to pay for their MENSA memberships.

9. High maintenance: Your appliances secretly open a joint bank
account for repairman kickbacks.

10. Anticompetitive practices: Your Microsoft coffeemaker
monopolizes the countertop.

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It’s Not a Good Computer If

It’s Not a Good Computer
If…

The lower corner of screen has the words
“Etch-a-sketch” on it.

*


In order to start it you need some jumper cables
and a friend’s car.

*
The “quick reference” manual is 120 pages
long.

*
Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your
neighborhood start

howling.

*
The screen often displays the message, “Ain’t
it break time yet?”

*
The manual contains only one sentence: “Good
Luck!”

*
The only chip inside is a
Dorito.

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Fluid Joint

If Life Was Like A Computer

If Only Life Could Be Like a
Computer

If you messed up your life, you could press
“Ctrl, Alt, Delete” and
start all over!
*
To get your daily exercise, just click on “run”!

*
If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.
*
Hit “any key” to continue life when ready.
*
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound
blaster.
*
To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control
panel.
*
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display
settings.
*
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
*
When you loose your car keys, click on find.
*
“Help” with the chores is just a click away.
*
Auto insurance wouldn’t be necessary.
You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.

And, we could click on “SEND NOW” and a Pizza would be on
it’s way
to YOU.

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Today I will be Online

I Don’t Wanna

I don’t wanna do the dishes
I don’t wanna do the wash
I sprinkled clothes a week ago
And now my iron is lost!!


I don’t wanna rattle pots
I don’t wanna rattle pans
I see the mail light flashin’
I wanna chat with friends!!

Oh the tables need some dustin’
and the floor could sure be mopped
But I know if I get started
there’ll be no place to stop

The closets are so full
things are falling off the shelves
I wish for cleaning fairies
and magic little elves.

They could sprinkle fairy dust
and twitch their little nose
The windows would be sparkling
I would have no dirty clothes

Oh I know that I’m just dreamin’
My head is in the sky
I must cook that meat that’s greying
and bake that apple pie

The Hubby needs a bath
Doggy needs attention
Oh.. the other way around I mean
my brain is in suspension

I am runnin’ round in circles
I am gettin’ nothin’ done,
I keep thinking of my web
I am missing all the fun!!!

Well I know I’m not addicted
though I hear that all the time
But I guess this stuff can wait on me
Cause Today I’ll Be On Line!!!

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Let us scan your old photos, before they fade away

Husband 1.0


Husband 1.0

Dear Tech
support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed that the new program began making unexpected
changes to the accounting software, severely limiting
access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications
that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention
of this phenomenon was included in the product
brochure.


In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable
programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and
OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such
as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and
ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs,
and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances
will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning
2.6.

I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but
this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can

you help please?!?!

Jane

Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but
is mostly due to a primary misconception.

Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT
package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and
was designed by its creator to run as few applications as
possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return
to Boyfriend 5.0 , because Husband 1.0 is not designed
to do this.

Hidden operating files within your system would cause
Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program
files from the system, once installed.

Any new program files can only be installed once per year,
as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages
are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation
to play some of their “old time” favorite applications, or
to get new applications to work, some women have tried to
install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women
end up with more problems than encountered with Husband
1.0.


Look in your manual under “Warnings: Divorce/Child Support”.
You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and
comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3.

I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks
of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0
installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire
section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This
is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed
by the parent company as an integral part of the operating
system.

Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults
and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this
great feature enter the command “C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME”
Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering
the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications
Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can
create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU
may have to give a C:\>I APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause
Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet,
Beer 6.0.

Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to
create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are
very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following
this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the
blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can
only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran.
Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance.
I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience
10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help
keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.


After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar
and you will find many valuable embedded features such as
FixesBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend
7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances,
install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application,
and will cause selective shut down of the operating system.
Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until
MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have
helped.

Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at
Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We
trust you will learn to fully enjoy this
product!”

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A High Tech Prayer

A Hi-Tech
Prayer

As I boot up my PC,
my modem dialing next to me,

I ask the Lord, give me a sign….
Will I ever get on-line?????

If you’d kindly let me
through,
I’ll byte no more than I can chew.

I’ll surf the waves amid the Net,
with my mouse, my loyal pet.

And through each window
I will see
the websites that are offered me.

Resisting any chat room’s
lure,
I’ll download only what is pure.

If system errors don’t
prevail,
I vow to read all my e-mail.

If you save me from a crash,
I’ll dump my games into the trash.

Just please don’t take my CD-ROM!
Thank you Lord, God Bless.com.

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