Really Bad Puns


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly,
but when they lit a fire
in the craft it sank – proving once and for all that you can’t have your
kayak and heat it, too.

*
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood
and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the
lesser of two weevils.
*
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles
up
to the bar and announces “I’m looking for the man who shot my
paw.”
*
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in
his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says,
“I’ll just have the eggs Benedict.” His order comes a while later and
it’s served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, “What’s with the
hubcap?” The waiter sings, “Oh, there’s no plate like chrome for the
hollandaise!”
*
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s Novocain
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental
medication.
*
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
“But why?,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t
stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
*
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a
hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and
would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon,
as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to
find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly,he threw
together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The
doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and
exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!” “No, I’m sorry,” replied
the bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”
*
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something
to
eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book;
the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on
the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle
knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.
*
There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in
ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean, and studied Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different cultures!
He has published several books about the various cultures he has studied and applied what he has learned to solving the many issues facing not only the United States, but the world as well.
Common Sense solutions to complex problems.
For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks, please check his website.http://www.commonsensejourneys.com.

You can also follow him on your Kindle.

Do You Have Any Grapes


A duck walked into a pharmacy He asked the
pharmacist “Do you have
any
grapes?”

“No, but the grocery store two blocks down sells grapes.” he
replied.

The next day, the same duck walked into the same pharmacy and asked
“Do
you have any grapes?”

“No, two blocks down on the right.” replied the pharmacist somewhat
annoyed.

The third day, the same duck walked back into the same pharmacy and
asked
the same question.

This time the pharmacist said “We don’t sell grapes here. You have
asked
for grapes now for three days in a row. I have told you we don’t sell them
here, this is a pharmacy not a grocery store. If you come back in here
tomorrow asking for grapes again, I am going to nail your little webbed
feet to the floor, NOW GET OUT OF HERE!”

The next day the same duck walks back into the same pharmacy, this
time
with quite a bit of trepidation. He looked around and asked the pharmacist
“Do you have any nails?”

“No” replied the pharmacist.

“Well then… Do you have any grapes?”


Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean, and studied Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different cultures!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has studied and applied what he has learned to solving the many issues facing not only the United States, but the world as well.

Common Sense solutions to complex problems.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks, please check his website.http://www.commonsensejourneys.com

 

You can also follow

 

him on your Kindle.

 

A Man’s Best Friend


A man runs into the vet’s office carrying
his dog, screaming for help.
The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog
down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and
after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettable, is
dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands
a
second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts
the cat
down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head
to tail poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and
meows. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks
that your dog is dead too.”

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet
brings in
a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and
finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says,
“I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks
how
much he owes.

The vet answers, “$650.

“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaimed the
man….

“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my
initial
diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab
tests.”


Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean, and studied Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different cultures!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has studied and applied what he has learned to solving the many issues facing not only the United States, but the world as well.

Common Sense solutions to complex problems.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks, please check his website.http://www.commonsensejourneys.com

 

You can also follow him

 

on your Kindle.

 

My Dog

It just hit me:

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him.

He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the doctor once a year for his check-up, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.

For all this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than
he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess,
someone else cleans it up for him.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me:

My dog is a politician!

Now you can follow me on Kindle.


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Help Wanted

Help Wanted

While strolling past a pet shop, a cat notices a sign in the window: Help Wanted. Knowing himself to be no ordinary feline, he saunters into the shop and calls out “Hello! I’d like to apply for the job.”

The owner of the pet shop is very amused at the idea of a talking
cat, and she wants to hear more, so she plays along, saying “Oh, I’m
sorry, but this is a clerical job. We need someone who can type and
file.”

The cat hastens over to the office typewriter and, quick as a wink,
he pounds out something about a quick brown fox and a lazy dog until he
has filled a page. He grabs a stack of papers , alphabetizes them by
subject matter, and puts them away in the file cabinet in less time than
one would expect of a critter who lacks opposable thumbs.

The owner is charmed, but figures she can’t possibly hire a cat, so
she thinks of another excuse. “You type very nicely, and your filing is
flawless, but this job demands computer literacy.”

The cat immediately takes his place in front of the computer and,
mouse in paw, cruises the Web, gathering useful information about
increasing the profitability of pet shops.

The owner is stunned. She has got to think of a tactful way to tell this cat that she isn’t going to give him a job.

“Well, you’re an amazing cat indeed. You type, you file, and you’re a
computer whiz. But we really, really must have someone who is
bilingual.”

The cat stares imploringly into the owner’s eyes and says “Woof!

Now you can follow me on Kindle.

 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

1-800-PetMeds

Safety Tips

The Donkey in the Well

The Donkey in the Well

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well that the farmer had accidentally left uncovered. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, so it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone . We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Now, most people think that’s the end, but it isn’t.

The donkey later came back and bit the hell out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

So the real moral from today’s lesson?

When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

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Learn more about Native Remedies

Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

schoolhouse

Washing the Dog

Washing the Dog

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner “Mom & Pop”grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

“Oh, no laundry,” the boy said, “I’m going to wash my dog.”

“But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and ifyou wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even killhim.”

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to thecounter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him outof washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

“Oh, he died,” the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dogdied but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on yourdog.”

“Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”

“Oh? What was it then?”

“I think it was the spin cycle!”

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The Football Game

The Football Game

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note betweenthe big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushinglittle animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech torally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The firstplay, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhinowas stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, “Who stopped the elephant?”

“I did,” said the centipede.

“Who stopped the rhino?”

“Uh, that was me too,” said the centipede.

“And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?”

“Well, that was me as well,” said the centipede.

“So where were you during the first half?” demanded the coach.

“Well,” said the centipede, “I was having my ankles taped.”

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No More Animal Testing

No More Animal Testing!

The National Institutes of Health has announced that they will no longer be using lab rats for medical experimentation, since they’ve found a better substitute.

After exhaustive research , researchers have found that lawyers make better experimental subjects.

The top four advantages are:

1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.

2. The medical researchers don’t become as emotionally attached to the attorneys, as sometimes happens with rats.

3. “Animal rights” activists agreed to stop their protests if labs switched.

4. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats just won’t do.

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The Parrot

The Parrot


So there’s this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor. I mean he’s a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird’s foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, “QUIT IT !”.
But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, “OK for you”, and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird, and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.For the first few seconds , there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s so worried that he  opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man’s outstretched arm and says: “Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you.I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.”
The man is astounded. He can’t understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, “By the way, what did the chicken do?”

Get your chuckles on Kindle.

 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

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The wisdom of our ancestors

The wisdom of our ancestors

There is an extreme shortage of common sense in today’s world,
I often think back to what my parents and grandparents believed and said, at the time I thought they were totally out of their mind and ignored it. I now wish I would have listened and followed their advice more often.
It is in this light I have decided to publish some of my random thoughts based on the views of our ancestors.

 

Art Prints