New Year’s Resolutions it’s easy to keep.

New Year’s Resolutions That You Can Really Keep

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep?

Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish?

Here are some example resolutions that you can use as a starting point.

1. I want to gain weight — at least 30 pounds.

2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

3. Read less (it makes you think — eww!)

4. Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.

5. Procrastinate more (starting tomorrow).

6. Drink. Drink some more.

7. Take up a new habit — maybe smoking.

8. Spend more time at work (surfing the web).

9. Stop bringing lunch from home — I should eat out more.

10. Start being superstitious.

11. Spend my summer vacation in cyberspace.

12. Create some loose ends.

13. Buy more tech toys (need to replace obsolete ones bought 6 months ago).

14. Get further into debt (easy thanks to #13).

15. Wait for opportunity to knock.

16. Focus on the faults of others.

17. (Mainly, but not exclusively, for women): Eat more chocolate.

And the Absolute Easiest New Year’s Resolution to Keep:

18. Don’t believe politicians.

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Y 2 K

Sarah’s Memo

TO: The Boss
FROM: Sarah
SUBJECT: Changing Calendars from Y2K



I hope that I haven’t misunderstood your instructions because, to be
honest,
none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have
finished the conversion of all the months on all the company calendars for
next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to
be
distributed with the following new months:


Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk


I also changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak


We are now Y to K compliant.

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Bad News From Santa

Bad News from Santa Claus

To Whom it May Concern:

Mrs. Claus and I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I
will no longer be able to service the Southern United States on
Christmas Eve. Due to overwhelming current population of the earth, my
contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.
I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin
and Michigan.

As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with
your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from the South pole. He shares my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a few
differences between us, including:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from
Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that
reads: “These toys insured by Smith & Wesson.”

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
leave a RC Cola and peanut patty (or a Moon Pie) on the fireplace. And
Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please
have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin’ coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.

4. You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen…” when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you’ll hear, “On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on
Martin and LaBonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot and Petty.”

5. “Ho, ho, ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves reply, “I her’d dat!”

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does
have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, “Back
Off!”

7. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you,
the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.

8. Bubba Claus refuses to wear the standard issue Santa cap because
he says it makes him look like a girly-boy. He has been granted
permission to wear a white Stetson with a red band instead, as well as
black cowboy boots.

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus
(Member, North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

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Christmas and Hanukkah to Merge

Christmas and Hanukkah to Merge

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and
acquisitions, it was announced today that Christmas and Hanukkah will
merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for
about 1,300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that
the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of
Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces,
spokesman say, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality
service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is
being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids
a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the
agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be
replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to “A great miracle happened there,” the
message on the dreydl will be the more generic “Miraculous stuff
happens.” In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use
Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and
delivering gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least
three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could
leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for
dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared
Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover
of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out
that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger
between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair
cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said,
Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed
the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of
“Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful”.

Back From Christmas Break

Back from Christmas Break

It was the first day of school in the New Year, and the teacher,
Miss Jones, thought she’d get the class into the swing of things by
asking them about something she knew they had enjoyed.

So she asked young Patrick Murphy: “What did you do for Christmas?”

Patrick addressed the class: “Well Miss Jones, me and my twelve
brothers and sisters went to midnight mass and we sang hymns; then we
got home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hung up our stockings. Then all excited, we went to bed and wait for Father
Christmas to come with all our toys.”

“Very nice Patrick,” she said. “Now Jimmy Brown, what did you do at Christmas?”

“Well, Miss Jones, me and my sister also went to church with Mom and
Dad, and we sang carols and we got home ever so late. We put cookies and
milk by the chimney and we hung up our stockings. We hardly sleep,
waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.”

“Excellent, Jimmy,” she said, and then turned to the next boy in class. “Isaac Cohen, what did you do at Christmas?”

Isaac said, “Well, it’s the same thing every year: Dad comes home
from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce and drive to Dad’s toy
factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves. And then
we sing ‘What A Friend We Have in Jesus’. Then we all went to the
Bahamas to snorkel.”

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The Army of God

 

Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always
Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the congregation
departed.

The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these
words at him: “You need to join the Army of God!”

Moishe replied: “I’m already in the Army of God, Rabbi.”

The rabbi questioned: “How come I don’t see you except for Rosh Hashanah and
Yom Kippur?”

Moishe whispered back: “I’m in the secret service.”

The big book of HUMOROUS training games

Fine Art Prints.

 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

 

alcohol
In today’s world, many resort to abusing drugs and alcohol, why are so many becoming addicted and not only destroying their lives but the lives of others around them as well?

The 12 Days of Christmas After Reengineering

 

The 12 Days of Christmas After Reengineering

Global challenges require the North Pole to continue to take more
competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy
measures are to take place in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary.

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to
be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic plant,
providing savings in maintenance costs.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
effective. In addition, their romance during the working hours could not
be condoned under the company “zero tolerance” sexual harassment
policy. Both positions are, therefore, eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact and we may actually
expand the number of hens used. A recent time-motion-profitability study
proved that using illegal migratory fowl is extremely profitable as it
eliminates the company’s need to provide employee benefits because the
hens do not meet federal residency requirements.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail
system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine
who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked,
and whether the calling function can be replaced by e-mail.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have
negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into
other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology
stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per
goose per day is an example of their decline in productivity. Three
geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by the
Personnel Department will assure management that from now on every
goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
times. Their function is primarily decorative. Replacement mechanical
swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some
new strokes to better enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being
sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no
upward mobility.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will
be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the
steps. Let the reengineering team hasten to add that company policy
prohibits age discrimination, and any layoffs must be justified using a
business case to preclude any employee lawsuits.

Ten Lords-a-Leaping is overkill. The high costs of Lords plus the
expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee
to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While
leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed because of the high average
weight of retired congressmen, significant savings should result due to
the number of congressmen left unemployed after the recent election.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of
the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a
cutback on new music and the elimination of uniforms will produce
significant savings to the bottom line.

Though incomplete, studies by our consultants indicate that
stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can
drop-ship in one day using a “just in time” system, service levels will
be improved and we can expect a substantial reduction in the use of
part-time personnel.

Funny? follow me on Kindle.

Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

alcohol

In today’s world, many resort to abusing drugs and alcohol, why are so many becoming addicted and not only destroying their lives but the lives of others around them as well?

 

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Photography Prints

New Years Resolutions

New Year’s Resolutions

With the close of a year, many “resolve” to improve on their
outlook for the new year, but many are impossible dreams and are left
unrealized.

Here are some more realistic New Year’s Resolutions:

1. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.

4. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

5. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as rewarding .

6. I am at one with my duality.

7. A scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

8. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

9. I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than “I told you so!”

10. I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I will spend it worrying about the future.

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