Teen Essays

Teen Essays

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

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8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy! comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall

 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

Make money doing what you love

Make money doing what you love

This informative Ebook describes alternative methods of making money ,often a full time income in photography even if you have no desire to shoot wedding photography. this book gives examples and websites where you can use your photos to supply you with an income, not only to enable you to buy new equipment, but a living income as well.

 

National Park Questions

 

National Park Questions From The Intellectually Challenged

Grand Canyon National Park

      • Was this man-made?
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    • Do you light it up at night?

Everglades National Park

        • Are the alligators real?
        • Are the baby alligators for sale?
        • Where are all the rides?
      • What time does the two o’clock bus leave?

Mesa Verde National Park

        • Did people build this, or did Indians?
        • Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
        • Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
        • What did they worship in the kivas — their own made-up religion?
      • Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park

        • How much of the cave is underground?
        • So what’s in the unexplored part of the cave?
        • Does it ever rain in here?
        • How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
      • So what is this — just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park

        • Where are the cages for the animals?
        • What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
        • What happened to the other half of Half Dome?
      • Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Denali National Park

        • What time do you feed the bears?
        • What’s so wonderful about Wonder Lake?
        • Can you show me where yeti lives?
        • How often do you mow the tundra?
      • How much does Mount McKinley weigh

Yellowstone National Park

        • Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
        • How do you turn it on?
        • When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
      • We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

Make money doing what you love

Make money doing what you love

This informative Ebook describes alternative methods of making money ,often a full time income in photography even if you have no desire to shoot wedding photography. this book gives examples and websites where you can use your photos to supply you with an income, not only to enable you to buy new equipment, but a living income as well.

 

You Know You’ve Had Enough of the Nineties When

you tried to enter your password on the microwave.
*

…you now think of three espressos as “getting wasted.”
*

…you haven’t played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
*

…you have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
*

…you e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is
ready, and he e-mails you back “What’s for dinner?”
*

…your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
*

…you chat several times a day with a stranger from South
Africa, but you haven’t spoken to your next door neighbor
yet this year.
*

…you didn’t give your valentine a card this year, but you
posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.
*

…your daughter just bought a C.D. of all the records your
college roommate used to play.
*

…you check your blow dryer to see if it’s Y2K compliant.
*

…your grandmother clogs up your e-mail Inbox, asking
you to send her JPEG files of your newborn so she can
create a screen saver.
*

…you pull up in your own driveway and use your cellphone
to see if anyone is home.

Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

You can also follow him on your Kindle.

Your comments appreciated

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Free Bag 3

I think it’s raining

I Think It’s
Raining

A Russian couple was walking down the street
in Moscow one night,
when the man felt a drop hit his nose. “I think it’s raining” he
said to his wife.

“No, that felt more like snow to me” she
replied.

“No, I’m sure it was just rain” he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument
about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a
minor communist party official walking toward them. “Let’s not
fight about it”, the man said, “Let’s ask Comrade Rudolph whether
it’s officially raining or snowing.”

As the official approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph,
is it officially raining or snowing?”

“It’s raining, of course!” he replied, and walked
on.

But the woman insisted: “I know that felt like
snow!”

The man quietly replied: “Rudolph the Red knows rain,
dear!”

Follow me on Kindle and laugh along.

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The Truth is

The Truth
Is….

Stupidity got us into this mess – why can’t
it get us out?
*
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred
grand.
*
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both
be
changed regularly and for the same reason.
*
There is always death and taxes; however death doesn’t get worse
every year.
*
I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting
path.
*
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
*
If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.
*
I don’t get even, I get odder.
*
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to
it.
*
I plan on living forever. So far, so
good.
*
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
*
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for
it.
*
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but
eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
*
You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
*
It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers
to
ask you the questions.
*
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at
the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting
moment.
*
Age doesn’t always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes
alone.
*
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to
show.
*
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because
you stopped laughing.

laugh along on your Kindle.

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A couple of groaners

A Couple of
Groaners

A stevedore was in charge of offloading the
wheat from the ships
at the harbor. Unfortunately the wheat was very moist and did not get
sucked up by vacuum too easily.

He approached the foreman for some advice and was told:
“If at first you don’t suck seed, try a drier
grain.”

*

Two chefs in Boston who were competing for the title of “Finest Fish
Fryer.” Their talents were about equal, their dishes equally
excellent.

However, at the last moment one of the chefs glazed his entry and
won
the title. “Alas!” lamented the other, “There but for the glaze of cod go 

I!”

Get your groaners on Kindle.

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 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

church and state

There has been much debate over the years about what the founding fathers meant about the separation of church and state. In recent times there has been much disinformation about how they actually believed, especially George Washington. In this short Ebook the author tries to explain how they actually felt.

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Why

Why….?

Why is the third hand on the watch called
the second hand?
*
**If the shortest distance between two points is a line, why does
waiting
in one take so long?
*
**How does skating on thin ice get you into hot
water?
*
**When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put
your
two
cents in, what happens to the other penny?
*
**If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow
that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners
depressed?
*
**Should crematoriums give discounts for burn
victims?
*
**If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide and seek, does
he
automatically lose because he can’t find himself?
*
**Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the
battery
is
dead?
*
**Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
*
**Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you.
Tell
him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
*
**If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?

If you are so inclined, laugh along on your Kindle.

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The world according to Frank and Earnest


The World According to Frank and
Ernest

Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack, or
heads will roll!
*
Well, if Jerry Springer isn’t educational TV, why does it make
me feel so much smarter?
*
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a
computer.
*
I tried to get in touch with my inner child but he isn’t allowed to
talk to strangers.
*
I have to take my paycheck to the bank … it’s too little to go by
itself.
*
We’re lucky to have C-SPAN. Not many countries can watch
their government inaction.
*
Mountaintop Glue-Ru: “Stick to it! Stick with it! Stick it out!
Stick to your guns! Stick up for yourself! …”
*
I must be following my diet too closely … I keep gaining on
it.
*
Welcome to Megacomputer’s 24-hour helpline. If you have been
waiting LESS than 24 hours, please remain on the line

*
Whenever I’m in a mood to watch the world go by, I just keep
to the posted speed limit.

laugh along on your Kindle.

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Words to live by

Words to Live
By

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have
a perception problem.
*

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights make a
left.
*

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain
whales?
*

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
*

I’m not just a gardener, I’m a Plant Manager.
*

My reality check bounced.
*

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
*

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
*

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they
make when they go flying by.
*

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
*

There are two rules for ultimate success in life: 1. Never tell
everything you know.
*

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without
it.

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Sayings that should be on buttons

Sayings That Should Be on
Buttons

Well, this day was a total waste of
makeup.
*
Make yourself at Home! Clean my kitchen.
*
Who are these kids and why are they calling me
Mom?
*
Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever
after.
*
This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent
lighting.
*
I started out with nothing and still have most of it
left.
*
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
*
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
*
You! Off my planet
*
Bottomless pit of needs and wants.
*
Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that
way.
*
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
*
Errors have been made. Others will be
blamed.
*
If only you’d used your powers for good instead of
evil.
*
Allow me to introduce my selves.
*
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
*
Better living through denial.
*
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets
after them.
*
I’m just working here until a food fast-food job opens
up.
*
I’m trying to imagine you with a
personality.
*
I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil
one.
*
Don’t worry. I forgot your name too!
*
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
*
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
*
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
*
Everyone thinks I’m psychotic, except for my friends deep inside
the earth.
*
Earth is full. Go home.
*
I thought I wanted a career . . . turns out I just wanted
paychecks.
*
How do I set a laser printer to stun?

A chuckle for you on your Kindle.

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