Christmas May be Late this Year

Christmas May Be Late This Year

Santa Claus, like any pilot, gets regular visits from Federal Aviation Administration inspectors. And sure enough, an inspector arrived right on Christmas Eve, just as Santa was about to take off for his around-the-world flight!

Santa made sure his logbook and all his paperwork were in order. The elf mechanics made double sure all the required inspections and Airworthiness Directives for the sleigh were up to date and properly logged.

The inspector checked Santa’s pilot logbook, determining he was qualified and current. He checked the maintenance logs, and found them to be in perfect order. Then he walked slowly around the sleigh. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf’s nose. He especially painstakingly reviewed Santa’s weight and balance calculations for the sleigh’s enormous payload. The payload was a primary concern on the visit, since no other operators fly with anywhere near as much cargo on a single flight. And Santa operates with a special FAA waiver to fly the craft with only one pilot. So they keep an eye on him.

Finally, they were ready for the flight check. Santa got in, fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness, got out the checklist and powered up the shiny new GPS navigation system. Then the inspector hopped in — carrying to Santa’s surprise, a shotgun.

“What’s that for?” asked Santa incredulously.

“I’m not supposed to tell you this ahead of time,” the inspector said, after leaning over to whisper to Santa, “but you’re gonna lose an engine on takeoff.”

Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

You can also follow him on your Kindle.

Your comments appreciated

Merry Christmas Plate
Merry Christmas Plate by lifejourneysimages
Look at more Holiday Plates at zazzle

The Night Before Christmas, Rednecks

The Night Before Christmas — for Rednecks

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shack,
Not a thing was a movin’, from the front to the back.

The kids were in bed, I believe we had nine,
The wife in her curlers, was lookin’ real fine.

A cold wind was blowin’, up the holler it moaned,
All seven dogs on the porch howled and groaned.

The boys were all dreamin’ of weapons and guns,
For killin’ God’s creatures, there’s no better fun.

The girls in their feminine dreams were attuned,
To getting those gallons of Walmart perfume.

The wife wanted jewelry, like rings with big rocks,
I wanted my Chevy, down off the blocks.

Then in the yard, such a noise did commence,
Like something was caught in the barb-wire fence.

I ran to the window, and saw pretty quick,
The man makin’ the racket was Good Ol’ St. Nick.

You may think of Santa, in your own mind’s eye,
Dressed in a red and white suit, But I’ve got a surprise.

That old boy’s an Arkie, our fair state he won’t fail’er,
He married his cousin, and they live in a trailer.

On Christmas, of course, a sleigh for his rig,
He hooks the thing up, to a razorback pig.

He climbed on the roof, with his bag full of goodies,
He backed down the fireplace, all dirty and sooty.

Fat legs in his britches, chubby hands in his mittens,
I admit from the back, he looked like Bill Clinton.

He turned toward the tree, His eyes all aglow,
He was a Southern boy, from his head to his toe.

His neck was a red one, his shirt said “Light Beer”,
There was no red hat, his cap read “John Deere”.

He left all the presents, with an air of delight,
Then it was back to the chimney, and into the night.

He ran into the yard, and threw his bag in the sleigh,
Then he yelled at the dogs, to get out of the way.

And I heard him exclaim, as those pigs took to flight,
“Merry Christmas to all, And to all …A Bud Lite!”

Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

You can also follow him on your Kindle.

Your comments appreciated

Merry Christmas Plate
Merry Christmas Plate by lifejourneysimages
Shop for Holiday Plates online at Zazzle.com

The Birds and the Bees

The Birds and the Bees

A father asks his son, age 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees. 

“I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

“Oh dad,” he sobbed, “at age six I got the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech. At age seven I got the ‘there’s no Easter bunny’ speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the ‘there’s no tooth fairy’ speech! If you’re going to tell me now that grownups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to live for!”

Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

You can also follow him on your Kindle.

Australialife

Journey into The Australian Out Back

Santa was a Guy

Santa Claus Was Definitely a
Man

Here’s why: First, Christmas would be late
every year. The line at the
department store would never move because Santa would feel the need to
‘bond’ with every kid that sat on her lap. The elves would never get any
toys made because they’d be too busy telling her, “No Santa, those red
pants don’t make your butt look fat.” Also, Christmas comes at the end of
the month but I have never heard the REAL Santa complain about cramps
or feeling
all bloaty.

What woman would be even caught dead in a chimney? Gosh, she might
break a nail in there. And what about Santa’s beard? I’m sure you’ll agree
most women look significantly better without facial hair (unless they’re
total
schnauzers).

If Santa was female, she sure wouldn’t have white hair. She’d be down
at
the North Pole Super-X every other day buying a gallon of ‘Clairol Brunette
# whatever’. Plus, women don’t smoke pipes. Also, the sleigh and the
reindeer are not equipped with an automatic transmission, a cell phone or
vanity mirrors. I find it hard to believe a female Santa could whip a
reindeer to get it moving. It’s a widely-known fact coochie-coochie talk
doesn’t work with reindeer.

A female Santa would only bring junk like ‘Easy Bake’ ovens, Baby
‘Puke
‘n Crap’, and worst of all – CLOTHES – to all the little boys in the world
because those items aren’t as threatening as the really cool toys like
‘Johnny Thermo-nuclear Warhead’ or ‘Rock-em Sock-em Robots’ or ‘Creepy
Crawlers’.

And when you leave a plate of cookies out on the kitchen table on
Christmas Eve, Santa judiciously takes a bite from each one to prove he was
there. If Santa was a woman, the whole box of Snackwells would be devoured
and there’d be a sea of empty Ben & Jerry’s containers all over the
kitchen
floor.

And if all that doesn’t prove without a doubt that Santa is a guy,
consider this verse from the poem: T’was The Night Before
Christmas:

“He spoke not a word but went straight to his
work…”

If Santa was female, that line would have
read:

“She wouldn’t shut up, so Christmas was postponed
indefinitely…”

Yep, Santa’s a guy alright, as are most mythical holiday
characters.

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