Redneck Book of Manners

Tips From The Redneck Book Of Manners

General

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you’re completely certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

3. Belching “to make room for dessert” is frowned upon.

Entertaining In Your Home

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

3. Waking the children to come out so you can show guests “they ain’t got no birth defects” is impolite. (And bringing them out to show guests that they do have them is considered very rude.)

Personal Hygiene

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s own truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. (However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.)

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.

2. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 p.m.; others might say ‘Monday.’ If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

Weddings

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving

1. When sending your date down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to also bring back beer.

2. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

3. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

You can also follow me on your Kindle.

Your comments appreciated

Sell Art Online

The Ducks Made it


A man traveling down a country road was forced
to stop before a giant puddle
covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed
a
farmer leaning on a fence. “Think it’s safe to cross?” the man
asked.

“I reckon so,” replied the
farmer.

 

The car was immediately swallowed by the
puddle as the man drove in. In
fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his
car back to the surface. As his head broke the surface the man said to the
farmer, “I thought you said I could safely drive through this
puddle!”

“Well, shoot!” said the farmer, scratching
his head. “It only come up
chest-high on my ducks!”

Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean, and studied Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different cultures!
He has published several books about the various cultures he has studied and applied what he has learned to solving the many issues facing not only the United States, but the world as well.
Common Sense solutions to complex problems.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks, please check his website: www.commonsensejourneys.com.

You can also follow him on your Kindle.

Photography Prints

Way Too Many

Cross-Country Travel

Four women were driving across the country.

Each one was from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Florida and New York.

Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.

“What the heck are you doing?” demanded the Nebraskan.

“We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at them!”

That made sense to the gal from Nebraska, so she began pulling ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window.

“What are you doing that for?” asked the gal from Florida.

“We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!”

Inspired by watching the entire scene, the gal from Florida opened the car door and pushed the New Yorker out.


Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean, and studied Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different cultures!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has studied and applied what he has learned to solving the many issues facing not only the United States, but the world as well.

Common Sense solutions to complex problems.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks, please check his website.http://www.commonsensejourneys.com

 

You can also follow him on your Kindle.

 



Art Prints

My Medical Check-Up

My Medical Checkup

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits
and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 90?”

He asked, “Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?”

“Oh no,” I replied, “I’ve never done either.”

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?

I said, “No, I’ve heard that all “red meat” is very unhealthful!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?” he asked.

“No, I don’t,” I said.

He said, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy people?”

 

“No,” I said, “I don’t do any of those things.”

He looked at me and said, “Then why in hell do you want to live to be 90?”

Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean, and studied Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different cultures!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has studied and applied what he has learned to solving the many issues facing not only the United States, but the world as well.

Common Sense solutions to complex problems.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks, please check his website.http://www.commonsensejourneys.com

 

You can also follow

him on your Kindle.

 

alcohol

In today’s world, many resort to abusing drugs and alcohol, why are so many becoming addicted and not only destroying their lives but the lives of others around them as well?

Sell Art Online

The Best Pub in the World

The Best Pub in the World

A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Newfoundlander were sitting in a
bar in Toronto. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food
exceptional.

“As good as this is,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs
back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee place called McTavish’s. The
landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks,
he will buy the fifth drink for you.”

“Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London, the Red
Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first
two.”

“Ahhh, that’s nothin’,” said the Newfie. “Back home in Sin Jahn’s
there’s the Codfish Bar. The moment you set foot in the place, they’ll
buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then,
when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that
you get laid. All on the house!”

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout down the Newfie’s claims, but he swears every word is true.

“Well,” said the Englishman, still suspicious. “Did this actually happen to you?”

“Not me myself, personally, no,” admitted the Newf. “But it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”

Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean, and studied Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different cultures!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has studied and applied what he has learned to solving the many issues facing not only the United States, but the world as well.

Common Sense solutions to complex problems.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks, please check his website.http://www.commonsensejourneys.com

 

You can also follow him on your Kindle.


Art Prints

Redneck Fisherman

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a
game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.
The game warden asked the man, “May I see your fishing license please?”
“Naw, sir,” replied the redneck. “I don’t need none of them there
papers. These here are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish!?!?”

“Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o’mine down to the lake and let ’em swim
’round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my
net and I take ’em home.”

“What a line of baloney….you’re under arrest.”

The redneck said, “It’s the truth, Mr. Gov’ment man. I’ll show ya!
We do this all the time!!”

“WE do, now, do WE?” smirked the warden. “PROVE it!”
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, “Well?”

“Well, WHUT?” said the redneck.

The warden asked, “When are you going to call em back?”

“Call who back?”

“The FISH,” replied the warden!

“Whut fish?” asked the redneck.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain’t as dumb as some government employees

 

Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean, and studied Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different cultures!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has studied and applied what he has learned to solving the many issues facing not only the United States, but the world as well.

Common Sense solutions to complex problems.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks, please check his website.http://www.commonsensejourneys.com


You can also follow him on your Kindle.

The wisdom of our ancestors

The wisdom of our ancestors

There is an extreme shortage of common sense in today’s world,
I often think back to what my parents and grandparents believed and said, at the time I thought they were totally out of their mind and ignored it. I now wish I would have listened and followed their advice more often.
It is in this light I have decided to publish some of my random thoughts based on the views of our ancestors. 

 

 



Art Prints

A Man’s Guide to Tools

A Man’s Guide to Tools

This is not, by any means, a full and complete list. But it’ll get even the most handy handyman started.

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Skil Saw
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

Belt Sander
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

Wire Wheel
Cleans paint off bolts, and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
‘Oh shit’.

Drill Press
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you
had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

Channel Locks
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

Hacksaw
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle — it
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.

Vise Grips
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand. (Note the spelling: a “Vice Grip”
is something else entirely.)

Oxyacetylene Torch
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop
and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

Table Saw
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles
for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!

Hydraulic Floor Jack
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed
your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

Band Saw
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large
pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you
cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

Two-Ton Engine Hoist
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

Phillips Screwdriver
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but
can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw
heads.

Straight Screwdriver
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. (Note: not the opposite of a Gay Screwdriver.)

Pry Bar
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

PVC Pipe Cutter
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

Hammer
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
object we are trying to hit.

Utility Knife
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such
as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful
for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used
to initiate a trip to the emergency room so a doctor can sew up the
damage.

Son Of A Bitch Tool
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘Son of a bitch!‘ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need after using any of the above.

Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean, and studied Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different cultures!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has studied and applied what he has learned to solving the many issues facing not only the United States, but the world as well.

Common Sense solutions to complex problems.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks, please check his website.http://www.commonsensejourneys.com

You can also follow him on your Kindle.

Photography Prints

Hunting with Ralph

Hunting with Ralph

The guys are all at a hunting camp. No one wants to room with
Ralph because he snores so badly. They decide it isn’t fair to make one
of them stay with him the whole time, so they vote to take turns.


The first guy sleeps in the room with Ralph and comes to
breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all
bloodshot. They said, “Man, what happened to you?” He said, “Ralph
snored so loudly I just sat up and watched him all night.”


The next night it’s a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same
thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, “Man, you
look awful!” He said, “That Ralph shakes the roof with his snoring. I
watched him all night.”


The third night was Fred’s turn. Fred was an older cowboy sort, a man’s man.


The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
“Good morning!” he said. They couldn’t believe it. They said, “Man, what
happened?”


Fred says, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Ralph
into bed, patted him on the ass, and kissed him good night. Ralph sat up
and he watched me all night. I slept like a baby.”

Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean, and studied Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different cultures!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has studied and applied what he has learned to solving the many issues facing not only the United States, but the world as well.

Common Sense solutions to complex problems.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks, please check his website.http://www.commonsensejourneys.com


You can also follow him

on your Kindle.



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The Physical Exam

Physical Exam

The career Naval Chief Petty Officer had one more task to
complete before he could finally retire after being in the service since
he was 17: his discharge medical exam.

The doctor gave him a thorough going over and was impressed.
“You’re in excellent health,” he told the over-the-hill seaman. “Except
one thing.”

“What’s that?” the CPO asked, looking a little nervous.

 

Art Prints

“You seem extraordinarily tense. We ruled out medical problems in the
exam,” the doctor said, cautiously trying to probe the man’s psyche,
“but I have a guess: when was the last time you had sexual relations?”

“1945,” came the reply.

“Well that just has to be it, then!” the astounded medic exclaimed.

“I don’t know why you’d think so, doc,” the E8 said, glancing at his watch. “It’s only 0845 now….”

Keep the funnies coming,follow me on your Kindle.

 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

alcohol

In today’s world, many resort to abusing drugs and alcohol, why are so many becoming addicted and not only destroying their lives but the lives of others around them as well?

Another Government Survey

Another Government Study

When Canadian road workers found about 200 dead crows on the
highway between Toronto and Hamilton, there was concern that they may
have died from Avian Flu.

So the government had a bird pathologist examine the remains of all the crows and he confirmed the problem was definitely not Avian Flu, much to everyone’s relief.

However, he was surprised that his detailed study determined that 98
percent of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, but only 2
percent were killed by car impact.

The Province then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine
the reason behind the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car
kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order.
When crows eat road kill, they always set up a lookout crow in a nearby
tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crow could warn “Cah”, but he could not say “Truck”.

Keep the funnies coming,follow me on your Kindle.

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