Snow White

Snow White

Snow White took photos of the Dwarfs and
surroundings. She took the film to be

After a week or so she went to get the finished photos.
The clerk said the photos were not back from the

Needless to say, she was disappointed and
started to cry.

The clerk, trying to console her, said, “Don’t worry.
Someday your prints will come.”

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The Farmer and the fly

The Farmer and the

A farmer was milking a cow and a fly was
flying around.
He shushed it away with his hand and it flew in the cow’s

He kept milking and the fly came out in the milk bucket.
The farmer thought “In one ear and out the

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Some Puns

An Indian Success Story
Old Chief Gnarled Oak, was turned into a millionaire by
the discovery of oil on his reservation. He fell into the
yuppie temptation, and he was particularly proud and
pleased when his two boys were accepted into the swanky
yacht club. For years, it seemed, his one consuming
ambition was to see … his red sons in the sail set.
(By Bennett Cerf)

The Panhandler
A panhandler was caught trying to sneak aboard a Princess
liner about to embark on a three-day trip to the Bahamas.
He was caught by the Purser who threw him off the ship
telling him, …Beggars can’t be cruisers.

The General’s Funeral
The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington
National Cemetery. All the air lines were booked and there were no
other planes available. Someone came up with the idea of using a
helicopter. It arrived at 5:00 A.M. The newspapers reported the
incident with the headlines, … “The Whirly Bird Gets The

The Tilde
As has been pointed out, that “~” thing is called a “tilde:. Walt
Whitman was one of the most avid advocates of it’s usage, and until
his death he devoted untold hours making others aware of it’s
potential. So today, as I use that little button on the upper left of
my keyboard, I often feel like … Walt’s in my tilde.

The confused young man couldn’t decide whether to marry Kathryn or
Edith. Try as he might, he just could not make up his mind. Unwilling
to give up either, he strung them along for far too long. This
indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation
and left him for good. Moral of the story: … You can’t have your
Kate and Edith, too. (By Bennett Cerf)

New Coin
A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent
piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one
side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt, on the other, Nathan
Hale. Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the
official replied, … “Now, when you have a coin toss, you can simply
call “Teds, or Hales!”

Two contestants on a TV game show were in the final round. Mr. Cohn
was way ahead of Mr. Schine, but just as the buzzer was rung, Schine
slipped ahead, and won! When asked what prize he wanted, Mr. Schine
stated that he wanted a horse. The game show host asked why, and was
told, “I want a horse so I can name it ‘Harvest Moon.'” Then, I can
have a portrait painted, and call it … “Schine on Harvest

The Wedding Gift
A female snake charmer was wooed by an undertaker and accepted his
offer of marriage. They received many gifts at the wedding but their
favorite was a set of towels embroidered with the words…. “hiss and

The Coal Miner
A news item this morning was about a local coal miner. It seems
his avocation was painting, but since he couldn’t afford to buy
canvasses he simply painted on the wall of his small cottage.
Unfortunately, a gang of youths broke into his cottage earlier this
week and defaced his paintings. Yesterday the young miscreants were
charged in court with having … “corrupted the murals of a

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Nate and Sam

Nate and Sam

While hiking in the woods, Nate and Sam found
this huge rock which
had an old iron lever attached to it. Etched into the rock was the
following inscription:

“If this lever is pulled, the world will come to an

Nate wanted to pull the lever and see what would happen, but Sam,
being a paranoid pessamist, greatly feared this! He said to Nate that
if he tried to pull the lever, he’d shoot him! In a daring attempt, Nate
lunged for the lever, and sure enough, Sam shot him! What is
the moral of this story?

Better Nate than lever!

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The Years best Headlines

The Year’s Best

Include Your Children when Baking
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

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The Custodian

The Custodian

A friend and I were standing inside a building
of a local theme park. We
were looking outside, and it was an extremely windy day. The area’s
custodian, the one who had the job of sweeping up debris, was a very
small woman (4’10”, 90 lbs.) and she was having a rough time trying
to not be blown away.

My friend joked with the lady, telling
her that she would have to put
heavy rocks in her shoes when she went outside to work.

The lady looked at my friend and lisped,
“You mean, … now I weigh me
down to sweep?”

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Two Quickies

Two Quickies

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage.

He didn’t have to hear about all the men she
could have married, and she didn’t have to hear
about the way his mother cooked.

Snail Races

At the annual snail race, the snails were identified
by letters on their cars.

As the snail with a large “S” took the lead, the crowd roared,
“Look at that “S” car go!”

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A Potato story

A New Potato

You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well,
Mr. and Mrs. Potato
had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a
little sweet potato, whom they called ‘Yam.’

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they
told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and
getting half-baked, so she wouldn’t get accidentally mashed and get
a bad name for herself like ‘Hot Potato,’ and end up with a bunch
of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get
her into the sack and
make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn’t
stay home and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty
of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs.
Potato told Yam to watch
out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland, and the greasy guys from
France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch
out for the Indians so she wouldn’t get scalloped. Yam said she would
stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn’t associate with those high
class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who
advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, ‘Frito

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U.
(that’s Potato University)
so that when she graduated she’d really be in the Chips. But in spite of
they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going
to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw!? Yam’s parent’s exclaimed! Oh my,
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset at this announcement. They told
Yam she couldn’t possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he’s just

Are you ready for this?

a Common Tator

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Cute Sayings

Some Cute Stuff

Jesus Loves You, The Rest Of Us Think You’re
An Idiot.
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
All men are idiots … I married their
The more you complain, the longer God lets you
If at first you do succeed, try not to look
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
The gene pool could use a little
It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at
Consciousness: that annoying time between
Where There’s A Will…I Want To Be In
Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next
I Haven’t Lost My Mind – It’s Backed Up On Disk

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Oh What a Knight

Oh What a

There were three medieval kingdoms on the
shores of a lake.
There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the
kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three
kings decided that they would send their knights out to do
battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night before the battle, the knights and their squires
pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first
kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of
whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking

The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10
squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for

At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one
knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung
it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself
preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.

When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their
squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the
knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust
cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third
kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms,
thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal
to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

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