The Ultimate Groaner

The Ultimate
Groaner

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.
The doctor comes in and
informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son
is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can,
with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad
orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar
patrons
looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the
boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of
joy.

The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant
“Take another drink”! The bartender still shakes his head in
dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to
drink
again. The patrons chant “Take another drink”! The bartender ignores
the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches
down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of
it.

Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully
thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left….
then to the right…. right through the front door, into the street, where
a
truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in
grief.

The bartender sighs and says, “That boy should have quit while he
was still a head.”

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Art Prints

The Gender Gap

Gender Gap

A little girl and a little boy were at day
care one day. The girl
approaches the boy and says, “Hey Tommy, want to play
house?”

He says, “Sure! What do you want me to do?”

The girl replies, “I want you to communicate your
feelings.”

“Communicate my feelings?” said a bewildered Tommy. “I have no idea
what that means.”

The little girl smirks and says, “Perfect. You can be the
husband.”

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Photography Prints

The Thunderstorm

The Thunder
Storm

When a mother saw a thunderstorm forming
in mid-afternoon,
she worried about her seven-year-old daughter who would be
walking the three blocks from school to home.

Deciding to meet her, the mother saw her
walking nonchalantly
along, stopping to smile whenever lightning flashed.

Glimpsing her mother, the little girl ran to her, explaining
enthusiastically, “All the way home, God’s been taking my
picture!”

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The Images of Mom

The Images of
Mother

4 YEARS OF AGE My Mommy can do
anything!

*
8 YEARS OF AGE My Mom knows a lot! A whole
lot!

*
12 YEARS OF AGE My Mother doesn’t really know
quite everything.

*
14 YEARS OF AGE Naturally, Mother doesn’t know
that, either.

*
16 YEARS OF AGE Mother? She’s hopelessly
old-fashioned.

*
18 YEARS OF AGE That old woman? She’s way out
of date!

*
25 YEARS OF AGE Well, she might know a little
bit about it.

*
35 YEARS OF AGE Before we decide, let’s get Mom’s
opinion.

*
45 YEARS OF AGE Wonder what Mom would have thought
about it?

*
65 YEARS OF AGE Wish I could talk it over with
Mom…..

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The Class of 2005

The Class of
2005

Just in case you weren’t feeling old enough
today, this will
certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in
Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense
of the mindset of this year’s incoming freshman. Here is this
year’s list:

The people who are starting college this
fall across the nation
were born in 1983. They have no meaningful recollection of the
Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been
shot.

They were prepubescent when the Persian
Gulf War was waged. There
has been only one Pope in their lifetime. They were 10 when the
Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold
War.

They are too young to remember the space
shuttle blowing up.
Tianamen Square means nothing to them. Bottle caps have always
been screw off and plastic and there have always been ball point
pens.

Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.The
statement “You sound
like a broken record” means nothing to them. They have never owned
a record player. They have likely never played Pac Man and have
never heard of Pong.

They may have never heard of an 8 track.
The Compact Disc was
introduced when they were one year old.

They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a
TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.
They have always had cable.

There have always been VCRs, but they
have no idea what BETA was.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control. They don’t know what
a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the “Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t
! get up” commercial.

They were born the year that Walkmen were
introduced by Sony.
Roller skating has always meant inline for them. Jay Leno has
always been on the Tonight Show. They have no idea when or why
Jordache jeans were cool.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the
microwave. They have never
seen Larry Bird play. They never took a swim and thought about
Jaws.

The Vietnam War is as ancient history
to them as WWI, WWII and the
Civil War. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage
in Iran. They can’t imagine what hard contact lenses
are.

They don’t know who Mork was or where
he was from.(The correct
answer, by the way, is Ork) They never heard: “Where’s the beef?”,
“I’d walk a mile for a Camel,” or “De plane, de plane!”

There has always been MTV. They don’t have
a clue how to use a
typewriter.

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A Six Year Old’s Prayer

A Six Year Old’s
Prayer

Unknown
Author

Last week I took my children to a restaurant.
My six-year-old son had
asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, “God is good.
God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if
Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all,
amen.”

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a
woman
remark, “That’s what’s wrong with this country. Kids today don’t even know
how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream. Why, I never.”

Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, “Did I do it wrong?
Is
God mad at me?”

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and
God was
certainly not mad at him.

An elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and
said,
” I happen to know that God thought that was a great
prayer.”

“Really?”, my son asked.

“Cross my heart.” Then in a theatrical whisper he added (indicating
the
woman whose remark had started this whole thing), “Too bad she never
asks
God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul
sometimes.”

Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son
stared
at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my
life.

He picked up his sundae and without a word walked over and placed it
in
front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, “Here, this is for you.
Ice
cream
is good for the soul sometimes, and my soul is good
already.”

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Good Morning

Good Morning!

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother
one morning and brought
her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously
waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother
had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced
down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in
the bottom of the cup.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
She asked, “Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the
bottom of my cup?”

Her grandson replied, “You know grandma, it’s like on TV, The best
part
of waking up is soldiers in your cup.”

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 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

alcohol

In today’s world, many resort to abusing drugs and alcohol, why are so many becoming addicted and not only destroying their lives but the lives of others around them as well

 

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God’s Wife

Photography Prints

God’s Wife

This is an eye witness account which happened in the City of New York, on a cold day in December some time ago. A
little boy about 10 years old was standing before a shoe store on Broadway, barefooted, peering through the window,
and shivering with cold.

A lady approached the boy and said; “My little fellow, why are you looking so earnestly in that window?”

“I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,” was the boys reply.

The lady took him by the hand and went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy.
She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel.

He replied, “Certainly,” and quickly brought them to her.

She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet then
dried them with a towel.

By this time the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair upon the boy’s feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes,
and tying up the remaining pairs of socks, gave them to him.

She patted him on the head and said, “My little fellow, do you feel more comfortable now?”

As she turned to go, the astonished lad caught her by the hand, and looking up in her face, with tears in his eyes, answered
the question with these words, “Are you God’s Wife?”

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 The author has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature, landscapes and studying native cultures. Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt, the Canary Islands, much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hardcover and Ebooks, and contact information: please check his website, www.journeysthrulife.com.

Your comments appreciated

Improve your health,increase your wealth

Improve your health,increase your wealth

church and state

There has been much debate over the years about what the founding fathers meant about the separation of church and state. In recent times there has been much disinformation about how they actually believed, especially George Washington. In this short Ebook the author tries to explain how they actually felt.

 

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A Drug Problem

Drug Problem

I had a “drug” problem when I was a young
person and teenager.

I was “drug” to church on Sunday morning

I was “drug” to church on Sunday night –
I was “drug” to church on Wednesday night –
I was “drug” to Sunday School every week –
I was “drug” to Vacation Bible School –
I was “drug” to the family altar to read the bible and
pray.

I was also “drug” to the woodshed when
I disobeyed my parents.

Those “drugs” are still in my veins; and
they affect my behavior in
every thing I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine,
crack or heroin.

If our children had this “drug” problem,
America would certainly be a better place!

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Does Heaven Have a Bathroom

Photography Prints

 

Does Heaven Have a
Bathroom?

One day our 5 year old daughter came up to
my husband and me
and asked us what hell was like.


My husband told her it was a terrible place
with no food or water.

She then asked if hell had a bathroom.
My husband told her hell
had no bathrooms.

Then she asked what heaven was like. He
told her that is was
wonderful with all the food you can eat and drink.

Once again she asked about a bathroom.
My husband told her
that heaven did indeed have a bathroom.

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She then replied, “I’m going to heaven
where there’s a bathroom!

The Big Book of Humorous Training Games

 

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 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

reality

I have found over the years that there is no such thing as reality, it is only how we perceive it. Each of us may have a different view of it because of our different beliefs and experiences. Two individuals can be sitting side by side, looking at the same event and “see” two entirely different outcomes based on their individual perceptions.