Doctor, Doctor

Relax The Back - Tempur Pedic Mattresses

Doctor! Doctor!

Doctor, doctor, my wooden leg is giving me a lot of pain.
Why’s that?
My wife keeps hitting me over the head with it.
*
Doctor, doctor, my hair’s coming out. Can you give me something to
keep it in?
Certainly – how about a paper bag?
*
Doctor, doctor, people keep ignoring me.
Next, please!
*
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
Pull yourself together!
*
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a bridge.
What’s come over you?
Two cars and a bus!
*
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a spoon.
Sit there and don’t stir.
*
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a billiard ball.
Get back in the queue.
*
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a pack of cards.
I’ll deal with you later.
*
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there’s two of me.
One at a time, please.
*
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a dog.
Lie down on the couch and I’ll examine you.
I can’t. I’m not allowed on the furniture.

Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature, landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt, the Canary Islands, much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hardcover and Ebooks, and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

You can also follow him on your Kindle.

Your comments appreciated

best of times

The best of times

Sell Art Online

Raunchy Fortune cookies

Raunchy Fortune Cookies

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Panties not best thing on earth! They next to best thing on earth.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who wars with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Virginity like bubble: one prick, gone forever.

Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

You can also follow him on your Kindle.

Your comments appreciated

Sell Art Online

 

alcohol

In today’s world, many resort to abusing drugs and alcohol, why are so many becoming addicted and not only destroying their lives but the lives of others around them as well?

I think it’s raining

I Think It’s
Raining

A Russian couple was walking down the street
in Moscow one night,
when the man felt a drop hit his nose. “I think it’s raining” he
said to his wife.

“No, that felt more like snow to me” she
replied.

“No, I’m sure it was just rain” he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument
about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a
minor communist party official walking toward them. “Let’s not
fight about it”, the man said, “Let’s ask Comrade Rudolph whether
it’s officially raining or snowing.”

As the official approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph,
is it officially raining or snowing?”

“It’s raining, of course!” he replied, and walked
on.

But the woman insisted: “I know that felt like
snow!”

The man quietly replied: “Rudolph the Red knows rain,
dear!”

Follow me on Kindle and laugh along.

Photography Prints

The Truth is

The Truth
Is….

Stupidity got us into this mess – why can’t
it get us out?
*
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred
grand.
*
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both
be
changed regularly and for the same reason.
*
There is always death and taxes; however death doesn’t get worse
every year.
*
I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting
path.
*
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
*
If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.
*
I don’t get even, I get odder.
*
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to
it.
*
I plan on living forever. So far, so
good.
*
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
*
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for
it.
*
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but
eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
*
You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
*
It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers
to
ask you the questions.
*
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at
the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting
moment.
*
Age doesn’t always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes
alone.
*
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to
show.
*
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because
you stopped laughing.

laugh along on your Kindle.

Photography Prints

A couple of groaners

A Couple of
Groaners

A stevedore was in charge of offloading the
wheat from the ships
at the harbor. Unfortunately the wheat was very moist and did not get
sucked up by vacuum too easily.

He approached the foreman for some advice and was told:
“If at first you don’t suck seed, try a drier
grain.”

*

Two chefs in Boston who were competing for the title of “Finest Fish
Fryer.” Their talents were about equal, their dishes equally
excellent.

However, at the last moment one of the chefs glazed his entry and
won
the title. “Alas!” lamented the other, “There but for the glaze of cod go 

I!”

Get your groaners on Kindle.

Art Prints

 

 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

church and state

There has been much debate over the years about what the founding fathers meant about the separation of church and state. In recent times there has been much disinformation about how they actually believed, especially George Washington. In this short Ebook the author tries to explain how they actually felt.

Photography Prints

Why

Why….?

Why is the third hand on the watch called
the second hand?
*
**If the shortest distance between two points is a line, why does
waiting
in one take so long?
*
**How does skating on thin ice get you into hot
water?
*
**When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put
your
two
cents in, what happens to the other penny?
*
**If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow
that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners
depressed?
*
**Should crematoriums give discounts for burn
victims?
*
**If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide and seek, does
he
automatically lose because he can’t find himself?
*
**Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the
battery
is
dead?
*
**Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
*
**Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you.
Tell
him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
*
**If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?

If you are so inclined, laugh along on your Kindle.

Art Prints

The world according to Frank and Earnest


The World According to Frank and
Ernest

Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack, or
heads will roll!
*
Well, if Jerry Springer isn’t educational TV, why does it make
me feel so much smarter?
*
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a
computer.
*
I tried to get in touch with my inner child but he isn’t allowed to
talk to strangers.
*
I have to take my paycheck to the bank … it’s too little to go by
itself.
*
We’re lucky to have C-SPAN. Not many countries can watch
their government inaction.
*
Mountaintop Glue-Ru: “Stick to it! Stick with it! Stick it out!
Stick to your guns! Stick up for yourself! …”
*
I must be following my diet too closely … I keep gaining on
it.
*
Welcome to Megacomputer’s 24-hour helpline. If you have been
waiting LESS than 24 hours, please remain on the line

*
Whenever I’m in a mood to watch the world go by, I just keep
to the posted speed limit.

laugh along on your Kindle.

Photography Prints

Words to live by

Words to Live
By

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have
a perception problem.
*

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights make a
left.
*

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain
whales?
*

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
*

I’m not just a gardener, I’m a Plant Manager.
*

My reality check bounced.
*

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
*

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
*

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they
make when they go flying by.
*

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
*

There are two rules for ultimate success in life: 1. Never tell
everything you know.
*

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without
it.

Get funnies delivered to your Kindle.

Art Prints

Sayings that should be on buttons

Sayings That Should Be on
Buttons

Well, this day was a total waste of
makeup.
*
Make yourself at Home! Clean my kitchen.
*
Who are these kids and why are they calling me
Mom?
*
Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever
after.
*
This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent
lighting.
*
I started out with nothing and still have most of it
left.
*
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
*
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
*
You! Off my planet
*
Bottomless pit of needs and wants.
*
Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that
way.
*
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
*
Errors have been made. Others will be
blamed.
*
If only you’d used your powers for good instead of
evil.
*
Allow me to introduce my selves.
*
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
*
Better living through denial.
*
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets
after them.
*
I’m just working here until a food fast-food job opens
up.
*
I’m trying to imagine you with a
personality.
*
I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil
one.
*
Don’t worry. I forgot your name too!
*
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
*
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
*
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
*
Everyone thinks I’m psychotic, except for my friends deep inside
the earth.
*
Earth is full. Go home.
*
I thought I wanted a career . . . turns out I just wanted
paychecks.
*
How do I set a laser printer to stun?

A chuckle for you on your Kindle.

Sell Art Online

This and that

Of This And That
#2

The boss came early in the morning one day and
found his manager
kissing
his secretary. He shouted at him, “Is this what I pay you for?”
The manager replied: “No, sir, this I do free of charge.”
*

A wife, one evening, drew her husband’s attention to the couple next
door
and said, “Do you see that couple? How devoted they are?
He kisses her every time they meet. Why don’t you do that?”
“I would love to,” replied the husband, “but I don’t know her well
enough.”
*

A priest, seeing a blank signboard hanging on a lamppost wrote upon
it:
“I pray for all.”
A Solicitor wrote underneath: “I plead for all.”
A doctor added: “I prescribe for all.”
A simple citizen wrote: “I pay for all.”
*

Wife : you delivered an excellent speech.
Hubby : Thanks dear, but the audience was full of fools & idiots.
Wife : Is that why you addressed them as your brothers &
sisters?
*

After a dinner speech, the speaker scolded his secretary:
“Why did you write such a long speech for me? You saw how those
people were feeling bored!” The secretary replied, “Sir, it wasn’t a
lengthy speech at all; but I did make one mistake- I gave you all 3
copies of the speech.”
*

A Rotary visitor to Japan told a joke lasting 2 minutes.
The interpreter then translated using only a few words. Everyone
laughed. Afterwards the visitor asked the interpreter how he
translated such a long joke so quickly. “Well, I didn’t think
they would get the point, so I said, “Our guest has just told
a joke. Everyone please laugh.”
*

A man with a banana stuck in his ear and a green bean stuffed up
each nostril walks into the doctor’s office.
The doctor looks at him and asks what he can do for him.
“Doctor, I just haven’t been feeling well lately.”
“Well, I can see you are not eating right.

Enjoy jokes delivered to your Kindle.

Photography Prints