Another Government Survey

Another Government Study

When Canadian road workers found about 200 dead crows on the
highway between Toronto and Hamilton, there was concern that they may
have died from Avian Flu.

So the government had a bird pathologist examine the remains of all the crows and he confirmed the problem was definitely not Avian Flu, much to everyone’s relief.

However, he was surprised that his detailed study determined that 98
percent of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, but only 2
percent were killed by car impact.

The Province then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine
the reason behind the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car
kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order.
When crows eat road kill, they always set up a lookout crow in a nearby
tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crow could warn “Cah”, but he could not say “Truck”.

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The Blind Pilots

The Airline Pilots

Passengers on a small plane are waiting for the flight to leave.
They’re getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them
the pilots will be there soon, and then the flight can take off.

Finally the entrance opens, and two men dressed in Pilots’ uniforms
walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide
dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a white cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the
cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers
begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is
just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people
sitting in the window seats realize they’re headed straight for the
water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as
though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the
cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers
relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their
magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane really is in good
hands.

Meanwhile, in the cockpit, the pilot turns to the co-pilot and says,
“You know, Jim one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late and
we’re all gonna die.”

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The Mechanic and the Heart Surgeon

The Mechanic and the Heart Surgeon

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a
Harley-Davidson when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a
look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey, Doc, can I ask you question?”

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So
Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix ’em,
put ’em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.”

“Yes, so what’s your question?” the doc asks.

“Well, how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, “Can you do it with the engine running?”

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The Golf Nut

The Golf Nut

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over
heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a
few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out
when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs,
restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that
Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better
than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise
ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and
waiting for their salad, Ed said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in
love with you. I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship
continues to the next stage.

“So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing
question, it’s only fair to warn you: I’m a total golf nut. I play golf,
I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and
breathe golf. If that’s going to be a problem for us, you’d better say
so now!”

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, “Ed, that certainly won’t be a
problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too. But, since we’re
being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last
five years I’ve been a hooker.”

“Oh wow! I see,” Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet
for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, “You know, it’s
probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit
the ball….”

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The Golf Bet

Living in your heart posters
Living in your heart posters by lifejourneysimages
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The Golf Bet

Four golfers who like to gamble wind up in the same foursome. The
pot builds throughout the day until they reach the 18th green, where it
comes down to the last putt. If Charlie makes the 10-foot putt, he wins
the $200 pot.

Charlie lines up his putt, but just as he’s about to take his
stance, a funeral procession begins passing by on the road that runs
alongside the 18th hole.

Charlie steps away from his ball, sets down his putter, takes off his
hat and places it over his heart, and waits in total silence until the
funeral procession is completely passed. Only then does Charlie pick up
his putter and begin lining up the putt again.

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“Wow,” one of his opponents says. “That was the most touching thing I
have ever seen. You’ve got a makeable putt for $200, yet you stopped
and paid your respects to a passing funeral procession? I had no idea
you were so sentimental!”

“Well after all,” Charlie says, “we were married for 25 years.”

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 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

The Sinful Golfer

The Sinful Golfer

A man goes to the confessional and begins, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

“What is your sin, my son?” the priest asks back.

“Well,” the man starts, “I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.”

“When did you use this awful language?” asks the priest.

“I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was
going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging
over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only
about 100 yards.”

“Is that when you swore?”

“No, Father,” says the man.

“After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth, and began to run away.”

“Is that when you swore?” asks the priest again.

“Well, no,” says the man. “You see, as the squirrel was running, an
eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and
began to fly away!”

“Is that when you swore?” asks the amazed priest.

“No, not yet,” the man replies.

Gust Buster Umbrella

“As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward
the green. As it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the
squirrel dropped my ball.”

“Did you swear then?” asks the now impatient priest.

“No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some
bushes, careened off a big rock, rolled through a sand trap onto the
green, and stopped within six inches of the hole.”

The priest sighs. “You missed the putt, didn’t you?”

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Art Prints

 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

The IRS Audit

The IRS Audit

The Internal Revenue Service decides to audit Ralph, and summons him
to an appointment with the toughest auditor in the office. The IRS
auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and
no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Ralph. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”

Ralph says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “No way! It’s a bet.”

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor’s jaw drops.

Ralph says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Ralph isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Ralph’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Ralph asks. “I’ll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into
that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully
and decides there’s no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees
again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
loss into a huge win. But Ralph’s attorney moans and puts his head in
his hands.

“Are you OK?” the auditor asks. “Not really,” says the attorney.
“This morning, when Ralph told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he
bet me $20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk —
and that you’d be happy about it!”

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The Moral of the Story

The Moral of the Story

One day at the end of class, little Johnny’s teacher gives the
students homework: think of a story and then tell the moral of that
story.

The next day Johnny tells his story:

“My dad fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy
territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a
machine gun, and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer.

“Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese
soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun. But he ran out of bullets, so
he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. But the blade on his
machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.”

The teacher, stunned with shock at the story, asks Johnny what could possibly be the moral to his story.

Johnny replies, “Don’t mess with my dad when he’s been drinking.”

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 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

alcohol

In today’s world, many resort to abusing drugs and alcohol, why are so many becoming addicted and not only destroying their lives but the lives of others around them as well?

The Ultimate Response to a Dear John Letter

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The Ultimate Response to a Dear John Letter

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a “Dear John” letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.

In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without).

He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note:
“I don’t remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back.”
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 The author has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature, landscapes and studying native cultures. Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt, the Canary Islands, much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hardcover and Ebooks, and contact information: please check his website, www.journeysthrulife.com.

Your comments appreciated

Improve your health,increase your wealth

Improve your health,increase your wealth

reality

I have found over the years that there is no such thing as reality, it is only how we perceive it. Each of us may have a different view of it because of our different beliefs and experiences. Two individuals can be sitting side by side, looking at the same event and “see” two entirely different outcomes based on their individual perceptions

The Armless Bell Ringer

The Armless Bellringers

There was a monastery in France at the edge of a cliff
overlooking a beautiful valley, and because its bells could be heard
over such a wide area, it developed a reputation for attracting only the
finest bellringers in the country.

There was always a bit of dread when a bellringer passed on or
retired, and one year, when they spread the word of their need for a new
master, there was a dearth of qualified candidates. They would have
been good enough for any other monastery, but not this one. Better to
have silent bells than anything less than the best.

As they were despairing at the quality of candidates, a man with no
arms paid a visit to apply for the position. The monks were amazed and
protested that this was no time for joking. But the man insisted, said
he was from a family of famous bellringers, and he would show them what
he could do. He drew back, lowered his head, and charged full speed at
the bell. The monks were horrified, but could not stop him. And the
sound — oh my, you should have been there! It was indeed a sound worthy
of that monastery. It rang thruout the valley, and people everywhere
stopped in their tracks and nodded to each other that at last a worthy
bellringer had been found.

But alas, it was not to be. For the impact so stunned the poor
armless man that he stumbled dizzily and fell over the cliff. The head
monk ran down the steps to where a crowd had gathered, and a policeman
spoke to him. “Do you know this man?” The monk sighed, “No, but his face
rings a bell.”

The search continued. One day not long after, another armless man
showed up and presented himself as the previous man’s brother. He was
there to uphold the family honor, and would show them what a good
bellringer could do. The monks protested, but too late — he also drew
back and charged full speed into the bell. And once again, the most
beautiful sound pealed out over the valley, such that even the birds
circled around to see what was happening. And once again, he was so
stunned that he too fell over the cliff in a daze.

Once again the head monk scrambled down the stairs to meet the crowd
and a policeman. Again he was asked if he knew the deceased. “No, but
he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

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