The Tourists

Sarah and the

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.
As they were approaching
Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood
the counter, one tourist asked Sarah, the employee, “Before we order,
could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce
where we are… very slowly?”

Sarah leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr,

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The Diet

Sarah and the

Sarah is terribly overweight, so her doctor
puts her on a diet. “I
want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and
repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll
have lost at least five pounds.”

When Sarah returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my

Sarah nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to
drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?”

“No, from skipping.”

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Tips for staying Young

Tips For Staying

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes
age, weight
and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you
pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches
pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the
computer, crafts,
gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. “An idle mind
is the devil’s workshop;” the devil’s name is

4. Enjoy the simple things. When the children
are young,
that is all that you can afford. When they are in college,
that is all that you can afford. When you are on retirement,
that is all that you can afford!

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until
you gasp for breath.
Laugh so much that you can be tracked in the store by your
distinctive laughter.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and
move on. The only
person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be alive
while you are alive, don’t put out a mailbox on the highway
of death and just wait in residence for your mail.

7. Surround yourself with what you love,
whether it is family,
pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your
home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health. If it is good,
preserve it. If it is unstable,
improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get

9. Don’t take guilt trips. Go to the mall,
the next county, a
foreign country, but not to guilt country.

10. Tell the people you love, that you
love them, at every

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER, Life is not measured
by the
number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take
our breath away.

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Dieting Myths

Dieting Myths Explained

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it ….don’t
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need
grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we
all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three
categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and
wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements,
so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a
beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to two, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good.

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad
for you?

Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Hello! Cocoa beans? Another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets. Have a cookie — flour is a veggie! One more thing:
When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and salt.

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Bad Eating Habits


A dietitian was once addressing a large audience
in Chicago:
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your
stomach lining. Chinese food is
loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the
long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking

But there is one thing that is the most
dangerous of all — and we all have,
or will at some point, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that
causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood
up and said, “Wedding cake.”

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