Santa was a Guy

Santa Claus Was Definitely a
Man

Here’s why: First, Christmas would be late
every year. The line at the
department store would never move because Santa would feel the need to
‘bond’ with every kid that sat on her lap. The elves would never get any
toys made because they’d be too busy telling her, “No Santa, those red
pants don’t make your butt look fat.” Also, Christmas comes at the end of
the month but I have never heard the REAL Santa complain about cramps
or feeling
all bloaty.

What woman would be even caught dead in a chimney? Gosh, she might
break a nail in there. And what about Santa’s beard? I’m sure you’ll agree
most women look significantly better without facial hair (unless they’re
total
schnauzers).

If Santa was female, she sure wouldn’t have white hair. She’d be down
at
the North Pole Super-X every other day buying a gallon of ‘Clairol Brunette
# whatever’. Plus, women don’t smoke pipes. Also, the sleigh and the
reindeer are not equipped with an automatic transmission, a cell phone or
vanity mirrors. I find it hard to believe a female Santa could whip a
reindeer to get it moving. It’s a widely-known fact coochie-coochie talk
doesn’t work with reindeer.

A female Santa would only bring junk like ‘Easy Bake’ ovens, Baby
‘Puke
‘n Crap’, and worst of all – CLOTHES – to all the little boys in the world
because those items aren’t as threatening as the really cool toys like
‘Johnny Thermo-nuclear Warhead’ or ‘Rock-em Sock-em Robots’ or ‘Creepy
Crawlers’.

And when you leave a plate of cookies out on the kitchen table on
Christmas Eve, Santa judiciously takes a bite from each one to prove he was
there. If Santa was a woman, the whole box of Snackwells would be devoured
and there’d be a sea of empty Ben & Jerry’s containers all over the
kitchen
floor.

And if all that doesn’t prove without a doubt that Santa is a guy,
consider this verse from the poem: T’was The Night Before
Christmas:

“He spoke not a word but went straight to his
work…”

If Santa was female, that line would have
read:

“She wouldn’t shut up, so Christmas was postponed
indefinitely…”

Yep, Santa’s a guy alright, as are most mythical holiday
characters.

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