Funny Airline Announcements


Occasionally, airline attendants make an
effort to make the
“in-flight safety lecture” and their other announcements a
bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that
have been heard or reported:

 

*
“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are
only 4 ways out of this airplane…”
*

“We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you
must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will
escort you to the wing of the airplane.
*

“Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught
smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane
immediately.”
*

Pilot – “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now,
so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free
to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane
till we land… it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on
the wings it affects the flight pattern.”
*

And, after landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business
Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much
as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
*

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to
cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning
to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head
attendant announced on the intercom, “This aircraft is
equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the
cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their
seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop
at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the
aircraft.”
*

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa,
big fella. WHOA!”
*

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight
announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead
compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as
hell everything has shifted.”
*

From a Southwest Airlines employee…. “Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It
works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public
unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop
screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If
you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two
small children, decide now which one you love
more.
*

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we
arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your
money, more than Southwest Airlines.”
*

“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the
event of an emergency water landing, please take them with
our compliments.”
*

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, “We’ve reached
our cruising altitude now, and I’m turning off the seat
belt sign. I’m switching to autopilot, too, so I can come
back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the
flight.”
*

“Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop
from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own
mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting
like children.”
*

“As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of
your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed
evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave
children or spouses.”
*

“Last one off the plane must clean it.”
*

And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry…Unfortunately none of them are on this
flight…!
*

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing
in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the
intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what
ya’ll are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the
airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the
flight attendants’ fault…..it was the
asphalt!”
*

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the
final approach the Captain was really having to fight it.
After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came
on the PA and announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts
fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our
airplane to the gate!”
*

Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect
landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
*

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he
had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The
airline had a policy which required the first officer to
stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and
give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that
in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for
this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny,
mind if I ask you a question?” “Why no Ma’am,” said the
pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land
or were we shot down?”
*

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight
Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please
remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have
brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick
your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
*

Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d
like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the
next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through
the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think
of us here at US Airways.”

 Gary has been a writer/ photographer for over 20 years, specializing in nature,landscapes and studying native cultures.Besides visiting most of the United States, he has traveled to such places as Egypt,the Canary Islands,much of the Caribbean. He has studied  the Mayan Cultures in Central America, and the Australian Aboriginal way of life.Photography has given him the opportunity to observe life in many different parts of the world!

He has published several books about the various cultures he has observed.

For more information and a link to his hard cover and Ebooks,and contact information: please check his website.www.commonsensejourneys.com

Your comments appreciated

You can also follow him on your Kindle.

A journey of spiritual discovery

A journey of spiritual discovery

At this period of time in the history of man, there is probably more individual searching being done into the theories behind the origin of the human race,what happens after death,the possibility of life on other planets, and what our relationship is to these life forms, if they do exist. There are millions of people who are questioning the existence of God, who he really is, and what is my relationship with him? Is he someone who mysteriously floats around on a cloud watching and judging us from above like some bigger than life Santa Claus, or is he, like many of the esoteric sciences claim, a part of our inner Self, whom we have constant contact with, someone whom we and everything in the universe are connected and are thus one? Each of us in our own way is experiencing what God is, and thus we are each a part of God, thus we are God! This book is a brief account of my search for my own truth

 

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