Bad News from Santa Claus
To Whom it May Concern:
Mrs. Claus and I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I
will no longer be able to service the Southern United States on
Christmas Eve. Due to overwhelming current population of the earth, my
contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.
I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin
As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with
your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from the South pole. He shares my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a few
differences between us, including:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from
Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that
reads: “These toys insured by Smith & Wesson.”
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
leave a RC Cola and peanut patty (or a Moon Pie) on the fireplace. And
Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please
have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin’ coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.
4. You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen…” when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you’ll hear, “On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on
Martin and LaBonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot and Petty.”
5. “Ho, ho, ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves reply, “I her’d dat!”
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does
have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, “Back
7. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you,
the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.
8. Bubba Claus refuses to wear the standard issue Santa cap because
he says it makes him look like a girly-boy. He has been granted
permission to wear a white Stetson with a red band instead, as well as
black cowboy boots.
(Member, North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
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