Christmas and Hanukkah to Merge
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and
acquisitions, it was announced today that Christmas and Hanukkah will
merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for
about 1,300 years.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that
the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of
Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces,
spokesman say, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality
service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids
a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the
agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be
replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.
Also, instead of translating to “A great miracle happened there,” the
message on the dreydl will be the more generic “Miraculous stuff
happens.” In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use
Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and
One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least
three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could
leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for
dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared
Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.
A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover
of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out
that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger
between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair
cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said,
Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed
the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of
“Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful”.