The Three Engineers

Three Engineers

Three engineers are riding in a car: an
electrical engineer, a
chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car stalls
and stops by the side of the road. The three engineers look at each
other with bewilderment, wondering what could be wrong.


The electrical engineer, not knowing much about mechanics, suggests,
“Let’s strip down the electronics of the car and try to trace where
a fault might have occurred.”

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about electronics, suggests,
“Maybe the fuel has become emulsified and is causing a blockage
somewhere in the system.”

The Microsoft engineer suggests, “Why don’t we close all the
windows,
get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it will
work.”

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The Technically Challenged

The Technologically
Challenged

1. Compaq is considering changing the command
“Press Any Key” to Press
Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key
is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
hard to
control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag
the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes.
A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies
of the floppies.

4. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
back in
the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and
was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close
the door to his room.

5. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer
to fax
anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered
the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the
monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.

6. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard
no longer
worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and
soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them
individually.

7. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because
his computer had told him he was “bad and an invalid.” The tech explained
that the computer’s “bad command” and “invalid” responses shouldn’t be
taken
personally.

8. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents.
He told
the technician that the computer had said it “couldn’t find printer.” The
user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but
that
his computer still couldn’t “see” the printer.

9. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get
her new
Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the
technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her
response, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens. “
The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s
mouse.

10. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and
sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what
happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, “What power
switch?”

11. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang
for
support. “I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the
second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in
the third disk, I couldn’t even fit it in…” The user hadn’t realized
that
“Insert Disk 2” meant to remove Disk 1 first.

12. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions
for
installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its
cover
and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of
the
disk and wondered why there were problems.

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Technophoebia

Technophobia

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job
with Microsoft as a janitor.
The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section:
Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, “You
will be employed at minimum wage,
$5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a
form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first
day.

Taken aback, the man protests that he has
neither a computer nor an e-mail
address.To this the MS manager replies, “Well, then, that means that you
virtually don’t exist and can therefore hardly expect to be
employed.”

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where
to turn and having only $10 in
his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb. flat of tomatoes at the supermarket.
Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes inidually at 100%
profit.

Repeating the process several times more
that day, he ends up with almost
$100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he
could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every
day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits
quickly.

After a short time he acquires a cart to
transport several dozen boxes of
tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up
truck to support his expanding business.

By the end of the second year, he is the
owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks
and
manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling
tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and
children, he decides to buy some life
insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance
plan.
At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his
e-mail
address in order to send the final documents
electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail,
the adviser is stunned, “What,
you don’t have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such
wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where
you would be now, if you had been connected to the internet from the very
start!”

After a moment of thought, the tomato
millionaire replied, “Why, of course!
I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!”

Moral of this story:

1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce
do not need to rule your life.

2. If you don’t have e-mail, but work hard,
you can still become a millionaire.

3. Seeing that you got this story via e-mail,
you’re probably closer to
becoming
a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.

4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you
have already been taken to
the
cleaners by Microsoft.

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