The Accountant’s Affair

Out of the blue, an accountant decided to leave his wife.
He left her a note saying,” Dear Diane, I am 54 years old and have never done anything wild in my life. But now I’m leaving you for a stunning 18 year old model. We’ll be staying at the Savoy.”
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a message waiting from his wife.
It read,” Dear Clive, I too am 54 years old. I have followed your example and am staying at the Royal with an 18 year old Italian hunk. And I’m sure that you, being an accountant, will appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times that 54 goes into 8.”

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The Report Card

Eight-year-old Anita brought her report card home from school. Her
marks were good… mostly A’s and a couple of B’s. However, her teacher
had written across the bottom:

“Anita is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too
much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may
break her of the habit.”

Anita’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:

“Please let me know if your idea works on Anita because I would like to try it out on her mother.”

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Bill Clinton and the pig

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one
night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill
told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners
what had happened.
 About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering
back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other
and his clothes all ripped and torn.
“What happened to you?”, asked Bill.
“Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his
19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me,” said the driver.
“My God, what did you tell them?”, asks Clinton.
The driver replies, “I`m Bill Clinton`s driver, and I just killed the pig.”

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Up in Smoke

This is too funny, justice at last.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive
cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a
month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and
without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy,
the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.”

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that
the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer
sued….and won!

More than 14,000 Legal Forms

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company
that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated, nevertheless, that the
lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that
the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them
against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable
“fire,” and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his
loss of the rare cigars lost in the “fires.”

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
arrested !!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the
previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of
intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24
months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

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The Blond and the Cuckoo

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?
A contestant Sally, on ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire?’
Had reached the final plateau.

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000.
If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000
Milestone money.

And as she suspected the Million Dollar Question was no Pushover.

It was, ‘Which of the following species of birds does not build Its own
Nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is It:

A) the condor

the buzzard

C) the cuckoo

D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot….. She did not know the answer.

She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline……

All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.

She hoped she would not have to use it because……..

Her Friend was,  Well, a blonde.

But she had no alternative.

She called her friend and gave her The Question and the four choices.
The blonde responded Unhesitatingly:

‘That’s easy…. The answer is C: the cuckoo.’

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.

She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any Answer
Except the one that her friend had given her.

And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be The
Logical thing to do
. But her friend had responded with such Confidence,

Such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be Convinced…

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, ‘C: The cuckoo.’

‘Is that your final answer?’

‘Yes, that is my final answer.’

‘That answer is Absolutely correct!

You are now a millionaire!’

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family And
Friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the Million Dollars.

‘Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you, ‘ said the Contestant.
‘How did you happen to know the right answer?’

‘Oh, come on,’ said the blonde ‘Everybody knows that cuckoos Don’t
Build nests. They live in clocks.’

Sally fainted !

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Two Drivers in an Accident

Two drivers climbed out of their cars after colliding at a road junction.
One produced a hip flask from his pocket and said to the other,”Here have a nip of whiskey ,It’ll settle your nerves.”
“Thanks,” he added , ” I needed that.”
Passing it back, the second driver asks, ” you going to have one too?”
The first driver replies,” No thanks, I’ll wait until the police leave.”

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A frog and a girl

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, “You are going to
meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about
The frog says, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or
“No,” says the psychic. “Next semester in her biology class.”

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Novelty Clothing

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The Parachutist

Sometimes they got you coming or going.

A parachutist jumped from a plane , only to discover that his chute was broken.
As he plunged towards the ground, frantically trying to fix the parachute,he passed another man on his way up.
“Do you know anything about parachutes?” he cried.
“No,” replied the other man, “Do you know anything about gas grills?”

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Novelty Items

Dirty Names

Where is that book?

Two small boys were listening while a woman told her friend about a recent accident in which a man had driven into the back of her car.
“He blamed me,”she said,”and called me every  rude ,dirty name in the book.”
One of the boys turned to the other and said wide eyed,”There’s a book?”

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